Just Doing My Part To Keep Everyone On Their Toes
by theHAWKsprotege
Summary: A multi-chapter fic about how the Avengers prank each other and/or react to their misshaps. This will be Clintcentric, but other characters will make some pranks as well. Retaliation is oh so fun.
1. Purple Tuesday

Tony, being the creative "genius" he was, decided to test out some new arrow heads that he made for Clint not by using JARVIS' diagnostic system, but by setting the arrow head in the archery range and detonating it. Tony placed the arrow head at the other end of the archery range and ran back to the door (it had a timer for detonation). Thirty seconds later, a giant BOOM was heard throughout the tower. All of the Avengers except for Clint, who was nowhere to be found, were at the door, weapons poised for a fight, including Bruce who was holding what appeared to be a water gun. Tony staggered out of the door accompanied by a cloud of black smoke. In between hacking, he told them that he was fine. As he regained his composure, Thor began to laugh at the appearance of Tony. He was covered head to toe in ash, his clothes had holes in them, and his hair was reminiscent of what he would look like if he had just exited a wind tunnel. Natasha was the only one, other than Tony, who was not laughing.

"What is the damage to the archery range?" She looked wary. That didn't make Tony feel any better.

"Well, it is in no way functional, nor will it be for the next two weeks."

"Stark, you need to disappear for the next couple of days, and when you come back you better have some really delicious cakes with you."

All of the Avengers went silent.

"Why?"

"The last time anything bad happened to some of Clint's bows and arrows, the person responsible went to the hospital with an immovable leg. This, is exponentially worse. Archery gets rid of his excess fighting impulses. He is going to be antsy, annoying, and brooding until you get this fixed."

"What was that you said about an immovable leg?"

At this point, Clint came walking down the hall. He was soaking wet, wearing only a towel about his waist , and he still had shampoo in his hair.

"I heard an explosion and came as fast as I could. " He looked at all of the people standing around the doorway. It finally hit him. It was the door to his archery range.

"Why are you all standing around the door to my archery range? And why does Tony look like he just came out of a war zone, actually, don't answer that."

The doors to his archery range fell off, letting out another cloud of smoke. Clint's jaw dropped as he ran to the doors, or more appropriately, where the doors had been.

"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY ARCHERY RANGE?!"

Clint started breathing rapidly. Bruce told him to take deep breaths. He complied. Then his face hardened. His eyes were slits, and if looks could kill, no one in the Avengers Tower would have made it out alive that day. His gaze settled onto a fidgeting Tony.

"What. Did you do. To my. Archery. Range. TELL ME! NOW!"

Clint's face changed from hardened to rage in seconds. None of the other Avengers could believe what happened. They had never seen the archer this mad, and nor had they ever seen Tony this lost for words.

"Well, um, I was just...testing some of those new exploding arrow heads that I was making just for _you_, and well, I didn't know that I put that much explosive power into them. I promise I will fix everything! You'll have a new archery range!"

Steve interjected, "A better one."

Tony looked confused, "A better one?" Steve gave a small nod and motioned to the raging archer with his head.

"A better one!" Tony barely managed to smile.

"I don't care about a better one! I was fine with the one I had!" He then pulled out a knife and started moving towards Tony.

"Where the hell did you get that knife from? Wait, Barton, come on!"

Natasha looked at Tony, "Start running." And Tony for once listened.

The billionaire began to race all through the Avengers Tower. He ran for his life. The crazed archer was hot on his tail.

Cries of "STARK, YOU BASTARD!" could be heard all through the tower.

Several SHEILD operatives remember their initial confusion at the sight of the half naked archer with shampoo in his hair chasing down the billionaire, who looked genuinely frightened. Rumor has it that Fury has the video footage saved to his personal computer.

The other Avengers stood in the hallway half in shock. Until Thor asked if they should go and help their friend.

Natasha simply looked at him and said, "No. If there's one thing I know, it's that you never interfere when Clint is severely pissed off. Besides, if Clint gets out his homicidal tendencies now, he'll be less likely to use them on us for the rest of the time he is without his archery range. Prepare yourself, boys. It's going to be one wild ride for the next two weeks."

That day went down in Avengers history as the day that Clint lost his shit.


	2. New Alarm Clock, Rogers?

**A/N: Thanks to everyone who's favorited or followed this story so far. I give you all hugs!**

It was Friday, and Clint had been bored all week. Actually, boredom was an understatement. This was more like being at a convention for watching paint dry. Normally, he got out all of his excess fighting energy at his archery range in the tower, but that wouldn't be possible for another week, courtesy of Purple Tuesday, as the day when his beloved archery range was destroyed and he had a less than civil reaction had come to be known.

For once, Clint was happy to be preparing to leave on a solo mission to who knows where. He still had way to much pent up energy. First he had tried to go to local archery ranges, but none of them were of any quality, and there was always that one smartass that would start describing how he was a "loser" for using a recurve bow as compared to the compound bow. It probably didn't help that one day he lost it (curse those homicidal tendencies that show up around stupid people) and nearly scared one of said smartasses to death. So, local archery ranges were definitely out. It was on Friday night when Clint had finished packing for his away mission the next day that he had a brilliant idea to get rid of his excess energy, well, at least keep it at bay.

He was going to prank them. But first, he needed to pick up his supplies.

One hour later, because there were only two cashiers open at Wal-Mart that night, Clint returned with an air horn, a megaphone, some duct tape, fishing line, a bag full of stuffed animals, and three buckets. There would be no set up tonight. Everything hinged on Steve's daily routine running like clockwork and his plane leaving at precisely 5:15 AM.

Clint woke up at 4:15 that morning. He got ready for his mission, both the actual and the hilarious. First, he filled the three buckets with ice water, and he tied a slipknot in the bag with the stuffed animals. Next, he cut four pieces of fishing line and tied one end to each of the buckets making a lasso with the other end, and one attaching to the slip knotted bag with a lasso at the other end. Lastly, he opened his air vent access point and put the buckets and the bag in the air vent shaft. He grabbed the megaphone, the duct tape, and the air horn and climbed into the air vent. Next stop: Steve's gym.

When Clint dropped out of the air vent, he was in Steve's gym. He checked his watch. 4:50 AM, and he was precisely on schedule. It was time to get on to business! Clint duct taped the air horn to the wall precisely where the door knob will hit the wall as Steve opens the door at 5:15 when he goes to his gym for his daily work out. The megaphone, which has been turned on, is duct taped to the wall right beside the bell of the air horn. Clint still didn't think that would be loud enough to wake everyone else. So, he did what every insane man would do. He taped the PA system so that the on button was pressed down. Now everyone would hear the wake up call. It made Clint so proud. He was also very happy that Steve insisted that the security feed to his gym be cancelled on the grounds that he didn't like being watched. Clint checked his watch. It was 4:57 and time to go.

Once he was back in the air vents he crawled back to his stash of buckets and bag. First stop Tony's room, well, technically, the opening to the air vent right outside of Tony's room. He grabbed one of the ice water buckets and crawled to the vent opening. He threaded the lasso end of the fishing line through the small openings in the vent grate. Then he opened the grate so he could maneuver the lasso onto Tony's door handle. Fortunately, he had measured how much fishing line he would need using his own door, so it was perfectly tense. With the fishing line set, Clint closed the opening and positioned the bucket where any pull on the string would cause it to spill out of the openings in the air vent grate. Clint quickly repeated the process for Bruce and Thor's room. It was now 5:08. There was one room left: Natasha's. No man in his right mind would ever prank Natasha, but Clint wasn't exactly sane, in fact none of the Avengers were. But, he did have some sense of self-preservation. Only a mad man dumps ice water on The Black Widow without expecting some grueling torture in return. That was why Clint decided to go romantic and shower her in cuddly animals, which she fortunately had a bit of a soft spot for. He looped the fishing line around her door handle and taped the bag to the outside of the air vent. Everything was ready. Final watch check: 5:13. So Clint made his way to the aircraft hangar where he boarded his plane to wherever it was that Fury was sending him to.

And the mayhem begins...

At precisely 5:15, Steve Rogers enters his gym. He is instantly greeted with the loudest most horrible sound he has ever heard. If he wasn't a super soldier, he could have sworn that his ears were literally bleeding. The next noise Steve thinks he can hear is a loud splashing sound, three of them to be exact. He runs to where he thinks the sound came from. Before his eyes stand four other Avengers. Bruce, Tony (who is wearing Iron Man pajamas), and Thor (who is wearing Nyan Cat pajamas) are all sopping wet and shivering. Steve sees that Natasha is surrounded by a circle of stuffed animals, and he swore that she smiled! There was no way that he was going to mention that to anyone. He did like living after all.

Tony was the first to break the silence. "Hey Rogers. When did you get the new alarm clock?"

"I didn't get a new alarm clock, Tony."

"That was sarcasm! Jeez, do I need to make you a sarcasm sign."

Bruce took an opportunity to point out that apparently Tony is cranky when he wakes up.

"All right smartass, I'm not cranky because I got woken up. I'm cranky because someone poured freaking ice water on me!"

"Afraid you might short circuit?"

"Shut it Rogers. Now, who did this."

"My lady Natasha, why have you been attacked by the small furry animals?"

Everyone turned to look at Natasha who was picking up all of the stuffed animals.

"Well that answers who did this," grumbled Tony. "It's time to confront that birdbrain. JARVIS!"

"Yes, sir?"

"Where is Agent Barton?"

"Sir, it appears that Agent Barton has gone on a mission for Director Fury. His plane left 7 minutes ago."

"That evil bastard! There will be a vengeance council tonight! I'll see you all in four hours." Tony grumbling went back to bed.

Natasha went to explain what just happened to Thor, and Bruce and Steve went to the kitchen to start some tea and coffee.

Meanwhile, on Clint's plane, Clint received a video call from Director Fury.

"What on Earth did you do, Agent?"

"Well, sir, I gave the rest of the Avengers a wakeup call that they'll never forget."

"The next time you plan on getting funny, do me a favor, and disconnect Stark's line to my phone first. What were you even thinking about when you did this?"

"Yes, sir. The way I see it, I'm just doing my part to keep everyone on their toes."

**A/N 2: If you guys want to see anything happen, send me a PM or write it in a review, and I shall try to work it into the story. Next Chapter will involve some payback, Tony style.**


	3. Noble Retaliation

**A/N: I would like to continue to thank everyone who has supported this fic so far. You're reviews, favorites, and follows mean a lot, and I wanted to say thank you. As always, if you want a certain scenario to happen feel free to let me know, and I'll see what I can do. **

"Alright everyone, this vengeance meeting is called to order!" Tony tapped a small gavel on the table.

" 'Tis my turn now Man of Iron!" The Avengers gazed in horror as Thor lifted his hand which had somehow gotten hold of Mjolnir in the past three seconds. Fortunately Steve interjected at the last minute.

"No, Thor! We don't use war hammers for this table."

"Oh, I see. Thank thee Steve. Man of Iron, please proceed."

There was an audible sigh of relief from the entire table. Gathered at the table were Thor, Steve, Bruce, Tony, and Natasha. Clint had yet to return from his away mission.

"As _I_ was saying, I take it that we all remember the events that took place this morning." Bruce shivered. "And it is only proper that we get some payback. All in favor say Aye!"

The announcement was followed by 5 Ayes.

"Good, now here's how we do it." The billionaire had an evil smirk on his face. Steve made a mental note to thank God that Tony was on their side. After all, the man might be one terrible lab accident away from criminally evil genius.

~**3 Days Later**~

Clint was putting on some casual clothes for the Avengers press conference when his phone rang. It was Natasha; therefore, it was picked up and answered immediately.

"Hey Nat. How's my little squirrel doing?"

Natasha mentally facepalmed. She still had no idea where he came up with the idea to call her a squirrel. All she knew was that in some weird way, she actually thought it was pretty cute.

"Squeak squeaker, squeak squeaken. I was just calling to let you know that Thor has broken the plumbing and water is seeping all down the hall. You'll need to use the air vents to get to the lobby."

"Okay. Well, I'll see you in a few minutes. Squeakers!" Clint hung up. He always felt so lucky that Natasha was okay with him calling her a squirrel as a term of endearment. He was even happier that he got to go through the air vents. He loved his air vents, almost as much as he loved Natasha, his bows, and his arrows, in that order to be exact.

Natasha began to call Tony. "He's getting in the air vents, proceed with phase 2."

"Great work Widow. Did he fall for the lie that Thor broke my plumbing?

"Clint would never believe that lie without water spilling down the hall. So I got Thor to actually break your plumbing. Have fun fixing that."

"YOU HAD THOR DO WHAT?!"

"Keep your voice down, Tony. Clint might hear you yelling. You do know that he won't get embarrassed by this, right?"

"I don't care if he turns beet red like Rogers at a strip club or is as nonreactive as a noble gas. This, is a matter of principle!"

"Whatever. Just letting you know that his reaction will not be what you're expecting. Widow out."

Natasha hung up the phone and made her way to her station for phase 2.

"This is Widow, phase 2 begins in t-minus 5...4...3...2...1." With that, Natasha turned the handle on a gas container that had been connected to the air vents.

"Everyone remember to put on your gas masks!"

"Hey, Capsicle. We won't need those, the gas is being pumped into the vents directly, and in small increments. Don't want birdbrain realizing what's going on too soon, do we?" Tony flashed one of his trademark smirks. "Let's go line up so that when Clint drops from the air vents we go straight out, and he has no chance to talk before it starts."

After they had lined up, it took Clint less than a minute to drop out from above. As soon as the others saw him, Tony led the line out to the stage where the press conference was set up. They would be taking questions from children.

As soon as they had all sat down, the press conference begin. As Tony had ensured, the first question was directed towards Clint.

A little boy of around six years-old walked up to the microphone. He was wearing a Robin Hood shirt. Needless to say, Clint was touched.

"Mr. Hawkeye, what's it like to live with the Avengers?"

"Well, I-" Clint stopped. His voice was squeaky, and high pitched. Why was his voice squeaky and high pitched? Stark. Definitely the only explanation. All the children who were present looked confused. Clint decided he'd play along. After all, when he was in the circus, the kids absolutely loved him. "Did I say something funny?" Clint acted confused. All the children began to laugh, especially once they heard a snort escape the nostrils of Iron Man.

"What's your name?"

"William, but ev'rybody always calls me Billy."

"Well, Billy," Clint squeaked, "living with the other Avengers is definitely an interesting experience. We basically act like big kids. You may be thinking that I sound funny. It's because these guys," Clint motioned to the other Avengers, "decided to secretly make me inhale some Helium, which is a gas that makes your voice squeaky. But I'm sure you guys don't want to hear about the pranks that go down between us."

Audible sounds of sadness could be heard escaping from the children.

"How about you guys ask my friends here some of their pranks next, but I just want to let you guys know that no matter how old you get, you need to never lose your sense of humor. Thanks Billy."

All of the children were still laughing, the parents were laughing, heck even Natasha was laughing. It was just impossible to take him seriously in that squeaky voice.

"Wait, Mr. Hawkeye! Could you say cacaw once. Please." Billy proceeded to give Clint the puppy dog eyes, and Clint was a sucker for nice kids.

So, Clint stood up, got on the table, placed his hands on his hips, and loudly yelled, "Cacaw!"

The crowd exploded into chants of cacaw. Clint was proud. The press conference continued and many embarrassing stories were shared. By the end of the conference Clint's voice was back to normal. He was too happy to be mad at Stark yet.

Natasha sat silent for most of the conference, but she decided that Clint was definitely getting some cuddle time tonight.


	4. Operation Saving Captain Rogers

**A/N: This is inspired by an episode of Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide. Thanks to all those who have reviewed, favorited, or followed this story! You make me so happy! :D Enjoy!**

Bruce and Tony were working in the lab when Bruce's phone started ringing. It was Steve.

"Why on Earth would Steve be calling?"

"I don't know, just answer your phone, and your ringtone is atrocious by the way."

"Tony, there is nothing wrong with Adam Ant." Bruce answered his phone. "Hello. - Steve, you're going to have to speak up louder I can barely hear you. - What do you mean you can't talk any louder? - You're where!? How did that happen? Never mind. Just stay there. I promise you, Steve, we will get you out of there."

Tony was quite intrigued by the conversation, well, the half that he heard.

"So what wa-"

"There's no time Tony. Call the Avengers together in the living room. I'll explain everything when they all arrive."

**~5 minutes later~**

"Everyone, this is very important. We must rescue Steve."

The rest of the Avengers looked at Bruce in confusion.

"So let me get this straight," said Clint. "We are needed to go rescue the super soldier? He hasn't even been sent on a mission! What could he possibly need rescuing from?"

"Clint, he is stuck in one of the worst scenarios imaginable to man. He is stuck, in a women's restroom."

Clint and Tony lost it. The two began to laugh like hyenas. Clint was on the floor rolling back and forth and pounding the ground in laughter. Tony began snorting and was slapping his knees.

Thor looked confused, big surprise there; Natasha was indifferent yet bemused; Bruce...well, he wasn't looking amused at all.

"This is NOT funny."

Tony simply looked at Bruce. "Yes it is. Imagine Rogers, the poster child for 21st century awkwardness, being stuck in a women's restroom. The man can't even go to a beach because he finds bikinis too revealing. And, last time I checked, being stuck in a women's bathroom isn't exactly a bad thing." Tony flashed a suggestive smirk.

"Tony, you asshole! It is not a fun experience accidentally walking into a women's bathroom, let alone having to walk out of one!"

"Personal experience?"

"Shut up Clint! Tony, before you go digging to try and find out what happened, I was five, and I accidentally walked into the girls' restroom. I was teased for months, and I'll be damned if I let this happen to someone else."

"Would someone please explain why this is so bad? Some Midgardian customs still confuse me."

Tony pulled up a calendar on his phone. "Okay, today's Thor duty facilitator is...Natasha! Continue!"

Natasha sighed."Thor, do you remember what happened when you couldn't decide to walk in the restroom for people with or without capes, and you chose the restroom for people with capes?"

"Yes. From how you Midgardians called it, I was pepper sprayed, tazed, and kicked in the nuts." Tony involuntarily shuddered. "It was most unpleasant."

"Well, Thor. Steve has gone into the restroom for people with capes, and fortunately hasn't been seen yet. If we don't go get him, he might receive the same treatment."

"MAN OF IRON. PUT ON THY SUIT! WE MUST SAVE THE CAPTAIN!" Mjolnir was instantly in his hand.

"Now, calm down Thor," said a very wary Clint. "We have to figure out where Steve is first."

"You are correct Eye of the Hawk. My apologies. Please proceed."

"Bruce, give me your cell phone." Tony stretched out his hand expecting compliance.

"Why?"

"So I can trace back the call and find where Steve is." Bruce handed over his phone.

Tony began fiddling with Bruce's phone. "Okay. Got it. Steve is in the third floor women's restroom at, here comes a big shocker, the history museum."

"Why is that shocking, Man of Iron?"

Tony took the opportunity to hold up a sign. It said: SARCASM.

Bruce sighed. "Now we know where he is, but how exactly are we going to get him out?"

Natasha volunteered Clint as tactical advisor.

"Why him?" Tony was pouting.

"Because Steve is usually our strategist, but he's not here. Therefore it goes to Clint, who has the most strategizing experience. And because your plans usually involve a lot of unnecessary explosions...and AC/DC."

"Hey, don't you start messing with AC/DC."

"Guys! Can we focus on the task at hand?" Bruce was not happy. "Clint, get working on a rescue plan."

"Man, I can't do anything until I get my hands on some schematics."

"I got you, birdbrain." Tony pulled up a holographic blueprint.

"Thanks tin can." Clint instantly began studying the blueprint for access points. "Alright. The good news is, I can get to Steve through the air vents. The bad news, is that Steve cannot go through air vents. We'll have to get him out the way he came in."

At this point a phone started playing the Mission Impossible theme. Clint answered his phone. "This is Barton - Hang on, I'm going to put you on speaker phone. - No, it's not going to make your phone louder, it just means that the rest of the people with me who are currently trying to figure a way out of the bathroom for you can hear you." Clint put Steve on speaker phone.

"Guys you gotta get me out of here. There were people that just left a second ago. They came in here and did...stuff. Please hurry." Steve ended the call.

"I can't believe people did that in a history museum bathroom. Even _I _wouldn't do that there, and that's saying something coming from me. And Barton, the Mission Impossible Theme. Really?"

"Stark, I'm a spy. Spies deserve awesome ringtones. You don't get more awesome than that. Now, back to how to get Steve out. The only people that can pull this off are Bruce, Nat, and myself. You and Thor are just too high profile. No! Wait! That's brilliant! Okay, I know how we're going to pull this off!"

Clint began to explain the plan. "Okay, so firstly, Nat, Bruce and I enter the museum separate and at different times. Natasha will be first so she can get to the security room and she can loop video footage as needed. The last thing we need is a video of us rescuing the super soldier from a women's restroom winding up on youtube. I will enter second and work my way into the air vent system. Lastly will be Bruce. Natasha will tell us when and where to go. After we begin to get in positions, Tony and Thor will arrive in style. I don't care if you suit up or if you come in one of your cars, but you have to make sure you arrive in a manner that will draw all attention to you. While everyone is distracted with you, I'll make sure the women's restroom has no other women in it and tell Steve the plan. Bruce will come in dressed as a janitor going to clean the restroom. We'll fit Steve into a black trash bag and Bruce will wheel him to the employees only section where the two of them can exit at the first available opportunity. Thor and Tony will leave, and Nat and I will leave separately. Does anyone have any questions?"

Thor raised his hand. Everyone looked at Natasha. "Fine! Thor, I'll explain everything to you while the others get ready."

**~1 hour later~**

Clint, Natasha, and Bruce were all dressed casually and ready to go. They had decided to allot fifteen minutes between entrances. Natasha was up first. She entered the museum, and began to look for the path to the security room. She found it in less than a minute, but someone stopped her. So, she decided to speak only in Russian. This gave her the opportunity to confuse the unlucky guard and serve up some cognitive recalibration. Natasha took his ID card and made her way to the security room. She opened the door with the ID card. Lucky her, the person who was supposed to be in there was unconscious in the hallway. She relayed the signal that she was in place.

"Proceed with phase two of Operation Saving Captain Rogers. Why did we even let Tony name the operation?"

"Because if we didn't, he said that he would tell the press that Steve was in the women's bathroom and was too scared to walk out by himself. So Nat, any better vent access points than my original plan?"

"Doesn't look like it Clint. Go ahead with your planned vent of entry."

Clint made his way to the third floor and found his vent. It took him a second, but he managed the climb and made it into the vent.

"All clear Nat. I'm working my way to Steve now. You ready Bruce?"

"As ready as I'll ever be."

Bruce entered the museum. Natasha gave him directions to the employee locker room.

"Okay, they keep extra uniforms in that closet over there. Look for one that says janitor."

"I found one! It's a good thing this fits me."

"Now you need to go get a cleaning cart. The janitorial supplies are through the double doors on your right. Once you get the cart ready wait by the elevator shaft in the room until I tell you."

"Clint, I'm about to cue Tony, are you ready?"

"Let's rock."

"Tony, proceed with phase four of Operation Saving Captain Rogers."

Natasha could hear the sound of AC/DC's "Thunderstruck" blaring from the security footage. For once, Stark's knack for making an entrance came in handy. Everyone was distracted by the billionaire and the Thunder God who were now exiting Tony's sports car.

"Clint, proceed with phase five, Bruce, head up."

Clint looked around to make sure that there were no women in the restroom. There weren't. That is, unless you count Steve Rogers sitting on a toilet and holding his legs to his knees so that no one would know someone was there. They need to get Steve out more, but the time for planning that would come later.

"Steve! Psst! Steve! It's Clint, I'm in the air vent above you."

Steve looked around and located Clint. "You have no idea how happy I am to see you. I'm positively gay."

"Steve, I'm going to tell you now, and you're just going to have to trust me, gay doesn't mean joyful or excited anymore. Don't say it again until Natasha, Bruce, or I explain what it means in modern English to you."

"Okay. How am I getting out of here? You know I can't do air vents."

"Any time soon, Bruce is going to come in dressed as a janitor with a huge cleaning cart. You are going to get in the cart and we are going to tie the black trash bag with you in it. Then Bruce will wheel you out and you can exit through the employee exit."

"Alright, but what exactly are you going to be doing?"

"I make the plan! Don't question my methods!"

Bruce entered the bathroom.

"Lock the door Bruce, no one gets in until we're ready to leave. Steve, you can exit the stall now."

Steve unlocked the stall door and noticed a laughing Bruce.

"What's so funny, Bruce?"

"The fact that you made an out of order sign so that no one would try to use the stall you were in!"

Then Steve heard stifled laughter from the air vents.

"Thanks for coming to get me, but can we please just get out of here?"

"Get into my car." Bruce motioned to the janitorial cart.

Steve climbed into the cart and Bruce tied the bag.

"See you on the outside Clint."

"Likewise. Natasha, let me know when they have exited the building."

After waiting five minutes, Natasha informed Clint that Steve and Bruce had successfully exited the building.

"Let's wrap this up then. As soon as I exit the air vent, tell Tony that he and Thor can leave. I'm going to leave out the back exit, and as soon as I'm gone, start fixing any video footage that needs fixing. See you out back."

"Tony, you can leave now."

"Good, if I had to explain the concept of autographs to Thor one more time, I think I was going to run him over. By the way, you owe me for covering your Thor duty."

"Do I need to tell Pepper that you put a tracking chip in her blackberry?"

"Nope, you're fine. I'd be happy to cover Thor duty for you any time."

"That's what I thought."

Natasha finished fixing the security footage and went to meet Clint outside. They rode back to the Avengers' Tower on Clint's motorcycle. As soon as they arrived they noticed that it was extremely quiet. Too quiet. Prepared for any attack, they made their way into the living room. Nothing could prepare them for what they saw next. Steve Rogers was looking very guilty while standing over one groaning Tony. Tony was clutching his nose. Bruce and Thor were standing and looking in shock. Then Steve noticed Clint and Natasha standing in the doorway.

"What? He called me a girl!"

At this point, Clint drew the conclusion that being stuck in a women's bathroom all day, if you are not a woman, is a traumatizing experience.


	5. Flirting?

**A/N: Another set of thank yous goes out to everyone who's reviewed, favorited, or followed. This chapter is for agent-HAWKEYE who requested some Clintasha flirtyness. So I hope you enjoy that! This has a bit of a cliffhanger ending (I know, I'm sooooo evil), but the next chapter is a direct continuation and it should be up soon, schoolwork permitting. If anyone wants a specific scenario or prank to occur feel free to let me know. I promise I don't bite. :)**

* * *

Natasha and Clint had just returned from a shopping trip and were laden with bags. The other Avengers were in the living room trying to decide what movie they should watch next. Tony was the first to see the pair as they walked by the door.

"Well it looks like she's got you on a leash birdbrain."

"I don't have him on a leash. Well, sometimes I do, but that's strictly on a voluntary basis. Besides, he wanted to go shopping with me."

Clint popped his head around the door. "Yep. I wanted to go. We went the ammo store."

"You mean to tell me that all of those bags are full of ammunition?" Steve couldn't wrap his mind around two people going through that many bullets and arrows.

The two assassins said nothing, but they had matching grins on their faces. Needless to say, the others were very afraid of the assassins' attachment to their ammunition as well as their readiness to use it.

"Nat even bought me some gummy worms! She sure knows what this Hawk likes." Clint smirked at Natasha.

"I sure do sweetie!" Natasha made sure that she gave Clint a wink and a smirk in return. "Well, we need to go stock our firing ranges. Be back in a few minutes."

As the two assassins went to their respective ranges, the other Avengers looked at each other in silence. That is, until Bruce voiced what Thor and Steve were thinking. "What exactly did we just witness?"

Tony shuddered a bit. "I think that was...flirting."

Steve just couldn't believe it. "That was flirting? And what was the whole Clint being voluntarily on a leash supposed to mean anyway?"

Tony was about to explain when Bruce stepped in and elbowed him in the stomach. "I'll explain it to you later, Steve."

"Oh. Well, thanks Bruce."

Thor began to raise his hand as if to ask a question.

"I'll tell you later too, Thor."

Thor put his hand back down and was happy.

"Now that apparently Banner is going to explain that to you two, which I would love to see your reactions when he tells you, we need to decide what movie we're going to watch. I say we watch the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. All the _extended_ editions."

It was at this point that Clint and Natasha entered the living room. No one wanted to watch the trilogy that night because they wanted to save that in preparation for the Hobbit when it came out.

"Fine, be that way. How about Transformers?"

"Tony, why don't we watch Last of the Mohicans? It's historic, action-filled, good music."

"Did I ask your opinion, birdbrain?"

"Nope, but I bet that I can hit a bulls-eye on your dartboard, blindfolded, facing the opposite direction as the board, with my _right_ hand."

"Wait, you're a lefty, right? And why would I take you up on that bet?"

"Yes, I'm left handed. You would take me up because I'm going to let you record it, and if I miss you can broadcast it to all S.H.I.E.L.D. agents. Oh, and if I make it, we watch Last of the Mohicans."

Tony looked like he was doing some very serious mental calculations. He ultimately agreed to the bet.

"Moron."

"Hah! See even Natasha doesn't think you can do it, birdbrain."

"No, dumbass. She was referring to you as the moron. She only calls me idiot when I do something stupid."

"You know you love it, Clint."

"That, I do." He gave Natasha a smile. "So, who's got a blindfold handy?"

"I've got one, just let me go get it." Natasha got up and went presumably to get the blindfold.

"Why does Natasha have a blindfold?"

"Steve, Thor, I'll tell you later!" Bruce looked like he wanted to punch someone. Tony just snickered.

"Okay, I'm back. Are you ready for the blindfold Clint?"

"I'm always ready."

Natasha put on the blindfold and handed Clint the dart. Clint turned; his back was facing Natasha; he rolled his shoulders and stretched his right arm. While he was preparing to throw the dart, Tony noticed that Natasha's eyes weren't on Clint's arms like the rest of the Avengers. Her eyes were a bit lower. Tony liked living at the moment, so he kept his mouth shut. Clint let the dart fly and big surprise, it didn't miss.

"Bulls-eye sweetie."

"I thought your eyes would've been on me? I know how much you like to watch me aim." Clint smirked as he was taking off the blindfold.

"In your dreams, Clint."

"Stop by any time, Nat."

"You know I will."

"Can we please just start the movie now?!" Steve was looking a bit red. Tony thought it was hilarious. He knew the reason Clint wanted to watch that movie. For some reason, it was Natasha and Clint's make-out movie. Poor Steve, he picked the seat on the couch next to the love birds. Tony gave him 30 minutes before he figured that Steve would have to leave the room due to the assassins' smooching.

Ten minutes into the movie Thor made the connection that the main character of Last of the Mohicans was called Hawkeye.

"Eye of the Hawk, this man bears your name. Is this, what do you call it, movie based upon thy life?"

"Yes, Thor. Yes it is."

"I always knew I'd end up dating a hero." Natasha snuggled closer to Clint.

**~ Five Minutes Later~**

Steve looked to his right because he had been hearing some weird noises. After he looked, he really wished he hadn't. On his right, the two deadliest people he knew were kissing like there was no tomorrow. Why were they moaning? How did Clint's leg get over there?! Why are they chewing each others' faces off?!

"ENOUGH! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA THROW UP!" With that exclamation, Steve ran from the room, and his face was redder than Natasha's hair.

"Pay up Nat."

Tony's jaw dropped. "What?!"

"We had a bet to see how long Steve would last if we started openly flirting and kissing. I said he wouldn't make it 20 minutes into the movie. Steve only lasted 15. Therefore I win."

"Come on Clint, the "nest" isn't going to build itself."

"You know you love me!"

"Yes I do."

The two assassins went off to prepare whatever this "nest" was. Tony felt bad for Steve. He felt even worse that if he had been in on the betting, even he would have lost to that birdbrained archer.

Bruce took the opportunity to point out a very unnerving point. "If this is their _open_ flirting, what on earth is their hidden flirting?

"Bruce, my man. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't even want to know. Hey, where did Thor go?"

"He left as soon as Clint and Natasha started kissing. You were too busy checking the timer on your watch to see how long Steve would last."

"Hmmm. You know, I haven't done a prank in a while. I think I know just what to do. Let's go get Thor and Steve."


	6. Saran Wrapped!

**A/N: This is a continuation of the previous chapter for agent-HAWKEYE. I want to continue to thank everyone who reads, reviews, favorites, or follows this story. I also want to thank Shadowsontherun for reading a portion of this and affirming that it was funny. Enjoy!**

* * *

"Bruce, I see you've managed to bring back the Capcicle in one piece. Time to go get Thor."

Bruce, Tony, and Steve started to go to Thor's room. They got there, but there was a horrible noise coming from inside.

"Dude, what the hell is that noise?"

"I don't know Tony, but it is awful! I volunteer Steve to go check."

"Why me?"

Tony turned is head to Steve. "Because you are the most indestructible out of the three of us. My suit is too noisy, and I'm too tired to play with the other guy, no offence Bruce."

"None taken."

"Well, seeing as we settled that-" Tony went to push Steve towards the door. Unfortunately for Tony, the super soldier was very fast on the uptake, and he dodged. Thus sending Tony into Thor's room. It was dark, and Tony was praying that whatever was in there wasn't going to kill him...or scar him for life. The noise was so much louder in Thor's room. Then, it stopped.

"Man of Iron, what art thou doing in my chambers?"

"Wait, how did you know it was me?"

"You are the only Midgardian who has a built in torch."

"Oh, well...that explains that." Tony mentally facepalmed. "Get dressed Thor, we need to talk to you."

**~10 minutes later~**

"Geez, Thor what took you so long?"

"Man of Iron, I don't believe you can judge me for taking so long. It takes you two hours to get dressed. Besides, I had to find my Midgardian clothing in the dark."

"Thor, we've gone over the concept of light switches too many times for this."

"I had forgotten about that. Thank thee Man of Iron."

Tony physically facepalmed.

"Well, now that we're all here, it's time I told you what I have planned." Tony had a devilish smirk on his face. "We're going to mess with the lovebirds."

"Do you think this wise, Man of Iron? Their retaliation is to be feared."

"That's why _we're_ not going to do it. Thor, you're going to get your brother to do it."

"I'm fine with that." Everyone was shocked that the Captain responded positively and quickly. "What? When they find out he did it, they will beat the shit out of him."

Audible gasps! "Did Captain America just cuss?!" Tony's jaw dropped in disbelief.

"Tony, I'm up past my bedtime. I get cranky when I don't go to sleep before 11."

"Okay gramps, we'll be done soon. Now, Thor. Where exactly is your brother? I heard he was serving probation here on Earth."

"No, Man of Iron. The Allfather sent him to the Realm of the Golden Arches."

"Realm of the Golden Arches? He couldn't possibly mean-"

"You got it Steve, Loki's working at a McDonald's!" Tony exploded with laughter. Bruce and Steve soon joined in. Thor was confused.

"What is this McDonald's you speak of?"

"You know those magic swirls you like? Well, everyone else calls them McFlurry's and we get them from McDonald's."

"I see, but I still do not know where my brother is."

"That's okay big guy, I've already found him. Being a hacker is such a great advantage." Tony looked proud of himself. "So, is Bruce or Steve going to get him. There's no way I'm going there. I have to procure supplies for the prank!"

"Speaking of which, what exactly is Loki going to be doing?"

"Well Bruce, Loki is going to be saran wrapping the love birds to their bed with magic so we don't have to risk them waking up from our presence."

"You know, after they beat up Loki, when they find out it was actually us, they're going to murder us."

"Shut it Steve. You're harshing my mellow. Just for that, I'm calling an executive decision that Steve is going to go get Loki. And yes, I can make an executive decision. My tower, my rules. And technically, it's mine because I built it. Now, get to it Capcicle!"

By this point Steve didn't really care. He had had to live in the same building as Tony Stark long enough to know that there comes a time when you just shut up and get things over with. Now was one of those times.

"I'm going; I'm going. At least give me some directions to which McDonald's I'm going to."

Tony told Steve which McDonald's to go to. As soon as he was finished, Steve left on his motorcycle and embarked on his journey to go get Loki. Steve arrived at McDonald's in 20 minutes. He hoped Loki was working as a cashier, he really felt like being a pain in the ass. To Steve's fortune, Loki was indeed working as a cashier, the only cashier. He waited until more cars pulled in and then entered the building. He walked up to Loki. Loki's facial expression was a weird combination of fear, resentment, and curiosity.

"Hello sir. Welcome to McDonald's. How may I be of service?" The ice in his voice was tangible.

Steve heard more people coming in through the door. "I don't know, give me a few seconds to pick what I want." Steve stood, looking intently at the display board. A line started forming behind him.

"Sir, perhaps if you stand aside and let other people who are ready go ahead?"

"No, I know what I want now. I'll have a Big Mac."

Loki began to ring up the order.

"Oh, wait! I changed my mind. I'll just have a chicken sandwich."

"Okay sir." Loki was starting to get pissed off. He really wished that he had the full capabilities of his magic. The Allfather had reduced him to the level of a magician at a child's birthday party.

Ordinarily, Steve would have just stopped there, but he was up past his bed time, and he was extremely cranky. So he repeated that process five more times with different items on the menu. Everyone behind him was extremely annoyed. Of the six people that were behind him, three of them left and had gone through the drive through. Steve decided to stop after he ordered ten apple pies. He loved their apple pies. That, and the fact that he could see Loki's right eye twitching. As Loki put his food on the tray, Steve told him that he needed to speak with him when Loki's shift was done.

As soon as Loki was off duty, he went over to Steve who was sitting on his motorcycle.

"What do you want, mortal? Come to rub my station in my face? You almost got me fired! If I get fired then I have to go be a waiter at Chuck E. Cheese's. See? Now you know what hell I've been through."

"Take it easy. I'm sorry I almost got you fired, but the Avengers need your help with something."

"What is it?"

"I'm not allowed to tell you. You will only find out if you agree to come back to Avengers Tower."

Loki actually thought about this. Perhaps it would lessen the amount of time he had to spend working at that dreaded eatery. Anything would be worth that, especially if the request was given to the Allfather by that oaf which was his "brother."

"Very well, I shall accompany you to this tower, but you will have to bring me in whatever chariot you brought. I am not allowed to have my own transport. Before you ask, yes I've been taking that rotten behemoth of a thing you call a bus."

"Okay. Hop on."

"On what? That thing?"

"What else?"

"Very well then." It took Loki five minutes to finally get on the motorcycle behind Steve, although it did take longer because he originally sat down facing the wrong way. Things were going okay until they pulled onto the road.

"Slow down you madman! Why are you trying to kill me? What did I ever do to deserve this? I don't want to die! Let me off! Let me off! Someone help me! He's driving like a madman! I want to live!"

Steve finally got to a red stoplight. He turned around. "If you keep screaming, so help me God, I will duct tape your mouth shut and you can spend the last 15 minutes of this journey being draped over the back of my motorcycle like a saddle bag!"

Loki was shocked at the Captain's sudden change in temperament. Needless to say, he ceased to comment on Steve's driving. By the time they were back at the Avengers Tower, Steve had developed a twitch in his left eye, and Loki looked like he was about to throw up. Thor, Bruce, and Tony were waiting outside.

Loki got off the motorcycle and fell to the ground. "SOLID LAND HOW I'VE MISSED YOU!"

"Wimp." Steve was less than amused.

"Well well well if it isn't reindeer games. We have a proposition for you."

"What is it you ask of me?"

"We want you to help us play a prank on Clint and Natasha."

"ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!"

"Shhh. They might hear you. All we need you to do is use your magic to saran wrap them to their "nest." That's all you have to do."

"I will do it only if you send Thor to Asgard immediately to have him request that my punishment be shortened."

"I would be happy to, brother!"

"Very well. Where is this saran wrap and this...nest?"

"Right this way reindeer games."

Tony led Loki to the outside of Clint's room.

"Just poof in, saran wrap them, and poof out. Then you're done. Oh, and the guest bedroom is one floor down."

So, Loki appeared in the assassin's room. What he found were the two humans that he actually feared cuddling in a "nest" that was made up of various sheets and pillows. Well, he thought, here went nothing.

**~The Next Day~**

Natasha was waking up. She felt Clint's warm arms around her, but something was different. Oh, that's what it is. Some asshole, probably Tony, saran wrapped them into their nest.

"Clint."

"Huh, what? "

"We've been saran wrapped to the nest."

"I can see that honey."

"Well, it's a pity they forgot something very important."

"And what's that?"

"That a certain pretty assassin sleeps with a knife under their pillow."

"Awww. Do you really think I'm pretty?"

"No Clint." He gave her a pouting puppy face. "I think you're smokin'"

"I can live with that."

"You do."

While bantering flirtatiously, Natasha and Clint cut their way out of the saran wrap.

"Hey Nat, there's a note over here. It says: Most noble warriors of Earth, I did not mean you any harm. This was all Stark's idea. The green one and the soldier were in on it as well. Pity me, please. For I have been working at a McDonald's. You know what type of people I've had to deal with! They told me if I did this, then they would send Thor to talk to the Allfather and get my sentence reduced. If you don't believe my story, I have video evidence! I work at the McDonald's that's 20 minutes away and right across from the Chuck E. Cheese's. I beg of you, please do not harm me. Sincerely, Loki."

"Clint, if that's true, there's nothing to do about Loki, I'd say McDonald's is torture enough. Let me check it out."

"Sure thing. I agree. McDonald's is bad enough."

In five minutes, Natasha had located the correct McDonald's and hacked into their video footage. Surprisingly enough, the God of Mischief for once was not lying. Of course she saved the image of him working as a cashier for future blackmailing purposes.

"Well, he's off the hook. But I'll tell you right now. Tony is gonna pay."

"Honey, I think we need to use some of that ammo that we got yesterday. I'm thinking the painballs."

"Only for Stark. The others don't deserve the paintball treatment yet, I'm thinking water guns filled with ice water and perfume."

"Honey, I love the way you think. Let's get to work."

While Natasha and Clint were setting up for revenge, the others, except for Thor who, true to his word, left for Asgard that night, were sitting in a conference room discussing their success. It was more like Tony bragging about how much of a genius he was for coming up with the plan. Unbeknownst to Tony, Steve, Bruce, and Loki, the pair of assassins had gotten their ammunition and weapons set up very quickly. They were in two separate air vent shafts in the conference room. They had barricaded the doors. There would be no escape.

"You ready honey?"

"Oh most definitely sweetie." Assured that their comm links worked, Natasha aimed her paintball gun. She knew Stark was going to want to kill her for this, but it's not like he would ever be able to manage that, with or without help. She took aim where it would hurt him the most. What? She had no issues striking below the belt.

Natasha took aim, and fired. The next sound heard was a scream, Tony's scream to be exact. This was no manly scream. This was high pitched and loud.

"Oh nice shot honey."

"Thought you'd approve. Shall we continue?"

"Let's wait for them to realize that the doors won't budge first."

"Clint, you know I love it when you're devious."

"I sure do."

Bruce, Steve and Loki huddled over the billionaire. There was a red paint splatter around his nether regions.

"Tony, are you okay?"

In a very high pitched, squeaky voice Tony responded. "Of course I'm not alright! I just got shot in the nuts by a paintball gun at close range."

Bruce went to open the door so he could go get Tony some ice. "Guys, we have a serious problem."

"What?" said a very nervous Steve.

"We can't get out. These doors have been barricaded shut."

"Shit," Steve looked at Loki, "Can you do anything about this?"

"Not at present, I am unable to use my magical abilities during the day, only at night."

"Fat lot of good you were!" Came a squeaky voice.

"Don't go there Stark, this was your own doing."

Overhead, the assassins were loving this.

"You know, Nat, Loki was right. Stark had this coming. Shall we continue?"

"Let's."

With the final confirmation, Natasha and Clint began firing water guns laden with ice water at the unsuspecting men beneath them. The only person who remained unharmed was Loki. Once they were out of water, they moved to the water guns filled with the worst smelling perfumes and colognes that they could find. By the time that they were finished emptying out all of their ammunition, the only person still standing was Loki, but he was coughing very badly.

Loki fell to his knees, clasped his hands together and began shaking them towards the ceiling.

"Thank you oh merciful warriors for sparing me." With that, Loki passed out from the obnoxious perfume fumes.

"Well, Nat, shall we go take down the barricade in front of the door?"

"Yeah. We'll run some fresh air into the conference room once we're out of the vents."

Once the two assassins had gathered their used supplies, cleared the door and run some fresh air into the conference room, they sat down in the living room.

"Clint?"

"Yes honey?"

"Can we go to the Renaissance Festival?"

"Anything for you. Is there a particular reason?"

"I want to buy expensive stuff with Tony's credit card."

"Sounds great. Now he really will be paying. I wonder if they'll have an archery contest."

"You are not dressing up as Robin Hood from Men in Tights."

"Okay. Party pooper."

"Fine! Just this once, you can go as Robin Hood from Men in Tights."

"You're the best, honey."

"And don't you ever forget it."

**Epilogue:**

Tony's screams were heard throughout Avengers Tower.

"YOU GUYS BOUGHT ALL THAT MEDIEVAL SHIT WITH MY CREDIT CARD?! WE'RE TAKING THAT CATAPULT BACK. YOU TWO DON'T NEED A FREAKING CATAPULT!"


	7. Furious

**A/N: Firstly, to the guest reviewer ShadowWolf, you're chapter will be up next. This was originally supposed to be after yours, but this was such a good segway that I couldn't resist doing it this way. Your chapter should be uploaded later THIS WEEK! Secondly, this chapter is dedicated to twilightslittleangel for being awesome. Thirdly, thanks to all you followers, reviewers, favoriters, etc...for being AWESOME! Fourthly, and finally, I just wanted to say that this was a really long author's note. :D**

* * *

Maria Hill sat at her office desk staring at the files that had been given to her by Director Fury. She mentally could not process why they were even being given. Then, Fury walked in.

"Hill, have you made the preparations for those files?"

"Yes sir. But, why exactly are you doing this?"

"Hill, I'm going to give some very good advice. Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to. Now, hand over the files. It's time the team received their new missions."

Hill wasn't one to argue with her superior. Particularly when said superior was grinning like an evil genius. She would have shuddered, but sadly, she was accustomed to it by now.

"One last thing sir."

"Yes, Hill?"

"Are we prepared for the consequences."

"Probably not, but if it's any consolation, they're not exactly prepared for what's coming to them, are they?"

With that, the smirk returned to Director Fury's face as he left Maria in her office. Surely nothing good could come from what was about to occur. She mentally prayed that whatever vengeance the Avengers would come up with would not kill them.

Later that day, Fury made a video call to all of the Avengers.

"Alright team, I have some missions for you. You will find your information in your rooms. Some of you will be in pairs; others, separate. Good luck team."

The Avengers had been watching tv together. As soon as Natasha and Clint heard Fury's announcement, their eyes became wide as they looked at each other and simultaneously exclaimed: Shit!

"What's wrong love birds?"

"Stark," Natasha hissed," the only time that Director Fury EVER personally contacts for missions are when they are either very difficult-"

"Or extremely demeaning and infuriating." Clint finished her sentence.

"Awww. Love birds are finishing each others' sentences."

"Go fuck yourself Stark."

"You know, birdbrain, until I invent a cloning machine, that's technically impossible."

"I hope your mission is as shitty as Nat and I have been trying to tell you." Clint proceeded to storm off to his room. The sooner he got started, the sooner it would all be over with.

Going into his room, there was a file in the middle of his nest. He opened and read it.

"Shit."

"Seems like you and I have the same feelings about this one sweetie."

"What did you end up with?"

"Apparently, I have to compete in a beauty pageant. Evidently, there might be a terrorist attack during the talent portion, and they want me there in case the rookies can't handle it. Fortunately, it says I can quit after the Q and A session which is right after the talent portion. I'm losing brain cells already."

"Does that mean you'll at least get to compete in the swimsuit portion?" Clint flashed her a suggestive smirk and a wink.

"Head out of the gutter, Clint. Anyway. What did you get roped into doing?"

"Apparently, that tv show Dancing with the Stars wants one of the Avengers to make a guest appearance. Since you'll be busy, and none of the others can both dance and give an interview without the risk of leaking something, I get to go." Clint rolled his eyes and let out a deep sigh. "This is going to suck majorly."

"Sorry, sweetie. Well, I have to get going. Do let me know what the rest of the guys have to suffer through."

"Will do honey." As soon as Natasha left and Clint had packed for his mission, he went to see what the other Avengers would be up to for the next couple of days.

"Birdbrain, guess what?"

"What is it tin can?"

"Thor and I get to go to a drag race! They're even going to let us participate! I knew you were just trying to mess with us. Oh look at me, I'm Hawkeye. I know how Fury operates. Blah blahblah, blahblah, blah, blah."

Clint grit his teeth. "Let me see your file."

"Whatever birdbrain."

Clint took the file, and he began to read it. He actually read it, but in reading it, he learned that Thor didn't read it, because he was just as happy as Tony, and more importantly, Tony failed to read past the sentence: You will be going to a drag race. As Clint read, he began to smile a little. He finished reading.

"Oh, well I see. You were right. I'm sure you're going to have loads of fun." Clint left before Tony could rub it in, and ask more questions.

"Man of Iron, why was the Eye of the Hawk smiling so? It was unsettling."

"I don't know, and I really don't care. We get to go to a drag race!"

On Clint's way to the jet that would take him to Dancing with the Stars, he saw Steve and Banner.

"Hey guys, what's your damage?"

"Pardon me, I don't get the reference."

"All good Steve, just asking what your mission was."

"Oh, well. Apparently Bruce and I have been signed up for a dancing class at SHEILD headquarters."

"That's weird."

"Yeah, we thought so too, but dancing! It will at least be fun."

"Bruce, was that all it said in your file? That's really unlike SHEILD."

"Well, it also said who our teacher was, here it is. Relax Clint, it can't be that bad."

Clint looked at the file, and indeed, all it said was that they were signed up for a dancing class. Then Clint saw who the teacher was, and he fought the urge to laugh. He held his pokerface.

"Well, good luck with that class guys, I'll see you in a couple of days."

Clint made his way to the jet. He couldn't wait to tell Natasha what he had learned.

"Hello beautiful, how are you doing?"

"Well sweetie, I've been better. Can't wait for this to be over. Did you find out anything about the others?"

"I was hoping you were going to ask that. They've been split into groups. Tony and Thor are one group, and Steve and Bruce are the other."

"Okay, so what are their missions?"

"Brace yourself, because this is absolutely priceless. Tony and Thor are going to a drag race."

"Clint, how is that funny. Those two will love a drag race. All of that excess testosterone is the last thing Tony needs. Talk about inflating his ego."

"Nat, I haven't even told you the best part! Neither of the two read their mission past they were going to a drag race. It's funny that you say that they're going to be around a lot of testosterone-"

"No way! Clint, are you telling me that they're going to _that_ kind of drag race?!"

"You got it honey. Tony and Thor are going to get in touch with their feminine side."

Both Clint and Natasha were laughing so hard that they were crying.

"Oh, Clint you have made my day."

"Honey, I'm not done making your day yet."

"What?"

"Well, Steve and Bruce have been signed up for a dance class at SHEILD."

"And?"

"The only other thing it said in their file was their teacher. It's Sanders' class."

"Wait, you said Bruce and Steve, right?"

"Sure did. They get to have Sanders' pole dancing class! I remember that class. Still don't know if I should be proud or ashamed that I was the best in my class."

"Clint, not gonna lie here. That explains a lot."

"You know you like it."

"Unfortunately, yes I do."

"Ouch. That hurt Nat."

She could hear the playful tone in his voice."Not as much as Steve will after that class."

They lost it again. It took them a whole minute to stop laughing.

"Nat, I think this might actually break Steve, or at least turn him beet red for a month!"

"Clint, you have indeed made my day. Well, I've got to go, but good luck with your dancing!"

**~The Aftermath~**

The Avengers sat in the living room. Tony and Thor were somehow beardless now. Tony was pouting, Thor had sadly accepted it. Bruce sat quietly with his head down. Steve was catatonic as far as everyone else could tell. Natasha's face betrayed no emotion. Clint...well, Clint looked pissed.

JARVIS broke the silence.

"Sir, you should check your email. An email of severe importance has been sent to you, your fellow Avengers, and unfortunately, due to the contents, all agents of SHEILD."

"JARVIS, pull it up on the big screen."

"He said unfortunately due to context, you don't think-"

"Bruce, for all of our sanities and dignities, I sure as hell hope not. JARVIS, open the email."

As JARVIS opened the email, their faces paled. The email was a set of videos of their reactions to their missions. They decided that they might as well get it over with.

**~Steve and Bruce's Dance Class~**

The first video to show up was, to Steve's chagrin, his and Bruce's ordeal was the first in the video montage.

Bruce and Steve were the only two people in the room.

"It's very empty for a dance class."

"I wouldn't be too worried, Steve. We're probably just early."

That was when Bruce saw it, well, more like almost walked into it. It was a pole. In the center of the room. Bruce's face turned pale as he finally realized exactly what type of dance class this was.

"Steve, we've got to go. Now."

"Why? Is something wrong."

"I'll explain when we get in the car. Right now we have to get out of here asap."

The only other door to the room opened and slammed shut. A woman walked in.

The only thing Bruce could come up with was muttering: Shit!

"Alright, it seems you two are the only ones for the class today. This class is mandatory for all SHEILD field agents. So let's get going, next class starts at 3. So, that gives us four hours to get you two to become quality pole dancers."

Steve began to turn red. He mentally hated the fact that Clint and Natasha tried to warn them, but they didn't listen.

"Oh, well thanks for letting us know that. When will Sanders get here?"

"I am Sanders. Now since that introduction is over with, you two. Strip. Now."

Steve surpassed beet red and was the shade of a tomato. But he had to comply. The mission was to go to a dance class, and complete the mission he would.

The two naked men felt completely awkward. They both thought the same thing: Why did Sanders have to be a woman?

"So, which of you is going first?"

Bruce selflessly volunteered. He knew that Steve would need to get over shellshock soon, and if he went first, at least Steve would know what to expect.

After the video segment was complete, Natasha, Clint, Thor, and Tony were all laughing. Steve was a tomato again, and Bruce just sat there.

"I shouldn't be laughing, but that was so damn funny!" Clint was dying. He had fallen off his seat and was on the floor in fits of laughter.

Through gritted teeth Bruce managed to say, "We love you too, asshole."

That comment got Steve laughing, then all were reduced to laughing themselves into comas, if such a thing is even fathomable.

There joy was cut short when the next segment came up...

**~Natasha's Beauty Pageant~**

The announcer began to call forth contestants. It was the swimsuit stage. None of the male Avengers had any clue why this would be in the video. Then they saw Natasha sporting, a neon pink bikini? Not fully believing what they were seeing, they looked over at Natasha. Her eye was twitching. That meant only one thing: she really did wear a neon pink bikini.

The rest of the models made their way across the stage. Now it was time for the talent portion. This part shocked them Natasha, was dancing ballet! Her routine was phenomenal. Her rendition of Igor Stravinsky's The Firebird was simply breathtaking. Steve cried.

"Natasha, I had no idea you were such a good dancer!"

"Tony, for once I'm going to thank you for saying something." No one could believe that Natasha said that. "Oh, you guys will like the next bit. Once we got to the Q and A, I was so happy. I'd like to say that I definitely left with a bang."

The others looked in horror at her. "Relax guys, I was being metaphorical. I didn't shoot anyone this time." This settled everyone down.

The announcer called Natasha to the chair. "So, Natalie, how close do you think we are to world peace?"

"Let me tell you something. We are never going to have complete world peace. There is always going to be someone who wants to destroy something. So get any notion of world peace out of your silly little mind."

The announcer was taken aback. "Oh, I see. You're like one of those Avengers supporters."

"In a manner of speaking, yes I am."

"Okay, so I'll just ask you this one question." The announcer leaned closer to Natasha."Why do we even need those losers anyway." The announce regretted his question as soon as he saw Natasha's face turn from calmness to rage, and then to an evil smirk.

"I'll answer your question you little bastard. The Avengers are needed because there are bad guys out there who require people with special abilities above the military to keep people as well as ungrateful little shits like you safe. Oh, and as for them being losers, Captain America has been fighting for this country before you were even born. Thor is the most courteous man any individual could ever hope to meet. The Hulk is a genius who wouldn't hurt a fly. Tony Stark is one of the world's greatest minds and philanthropists, and Hawkeye is the best shot this world has ever seen, and he deserves more respect than people give him. There is your answer you little shit."

With that Natasha stood up and began to walk away. Then the announcer made an idiot of himself again.

"I see you failed to mention the female of the group, the Black Widow, yes?"

Natasha turned around and got in the announcer's face. "That's because I'm the Black Widow." Natasha gave him a grin that would have scared even Director Fury. The announcer's eyes widened in fear. Then Natasha decided to punch him...and knock him out, after which, she gracefully sashayed off the stage.

All the male Avengers looked at Natasha with a new glint of respect for their partner. Clint put his arm around her and held her close.

Tony, of course, broke the silence. "Any guns you want, and vodka you want. On me."

Natasha was getting ready to respond when the next video clip began to play...

**~Tony and Thor's Drag Race~**

Tony and Thor arrived in one of Tony's convertibles.

"Man, I am so excited for this drag race!"

"I too, am glad, Man of Iron!"

"Hang on big guy. Something isn't right. There are too many women here, more specifically there are too many women of Amazonian proportions here. Some of them even look like...men"

Tony figured it out. Wrong drag race.

"Shit. Shit. Shit! We gotta go big guy. Quick, get back in the car. I can't believe that birdbrain was telling the truth. Oh my God. We gotta get out of here."

"Peace, Man of Iron. Is all not well?"

That was when they became surrounded by men.

"Are you two hear for the drag experience?"

"Yes my fair lady, we are!"

"THOR! NOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Right this way, you two, but first we've got to do something about those beards of yours."

"No! Not the beard. I've worked for years on this beard. Not the beard!"

The other Avengers watched both in humor and in horror as the two men were bereft of their beards. Everything that came after, was just icing on the cake.

For the drag experience, their legs were waxed. Thor was not amused by that in the slightest, but he settled down when they gave him poptarts.

Finally they were put in dresses, given make up, and...put in high heels. Fortunately, the duo managed to escape out a side door before they were missed.

"So that's why you two don't have beards."

"Don't mention the beard birdbrain! I loved that beard." Tony began to stroke his face. Reminiscing about what he had lost.

"Well, tin can, if it makes you feel any better, my video will be just as funny."

The last video began.

**~Clint's Dancing with the Stars~**

The announcer's voice was heard by everyone. "Tonight, on Dancing with the Stars, we have a special guest star who will be performing what has been critically acclaimed as a daring new take on an old classic. But first! Let's take a look at how the rehearsals went."

The camera zoomed in on Clint's face as he looked at the dance steps in front of him.

"Who did you say the choreographer was?"

His dance instructor told him that it was by Nicholas Wrath. With that answer, Clint's face hardened. He looked like he was getting ready to kill someone. Odds are, he was.

With the flashback montage over, the video returned to a blackened stage. No one was prepared for what happened next. The band began to play the chicken dance. Clint was dressed in a white tuxedo decorated with beads to look like chicken feathers. At the end of the dance, Clint yelled CawCaw! The audience went wild with chants of CawCaw, CawCaw.

All the other Avengers looked at Clint. Then he started laughing. Soon, the others joined in the chorus of laughter. They had all had their turn of being embarrassed.

"Fury is one sick bastard."

"You said it, Tony!" Came Clint's cry of approval.

"Hey, do you two still have that catapult?"

"Yes." Clint and Natasha looked intrigued.

"Is that Renaissance Fair still going?"

They nodded.

"Good. Because we need 12 more catapults."


	8. Unleash the Dogs of Food?

**A/N: This Chapter is dedicated to the wonderfully patient guest reviewer ShadowWolf. I thanketh thee for thy patience and understanding. It doth make me hope that thou likest this tale which hath been attributed to thee! Hey, gimme a break, I was feeling Shakespearean. No, I doth not wear my mother's drapes...** **Anywho, I hope you all enjoy, and as always if you want to see anything happen, let me know! Oh dear, look at me prattling on without thanking everyone who's followed, favorited or reviewed! I thanketh thee! Now you may proceed with the reading. You get a cookie if you read all of this A/N. XD**

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**~Flashback~**

"Hey, do you two still have that catapult?"

"Yes." Clint and Natasha looked intrigued.

"Is that Renaissance Fair still going?"

They nodded.

"Good. Because we need 12 more catapults."

* * *

Three months had passed. Tony's beard had grown back. It was time for some payback.

For the past few months, Tony had been buying the 12 catapults. He had a plan, but he needed to tell the other Avengers. They deserve some revenge just as much as he, and his beard, did. But where could he bring them that was away from the watchful eyes of SHEILD. Tony thought hard. Finally, he had it. It was time to go to the one place that SHEILD would never dare to enter: Natasha's Flat, with her permission of course. Fortunately for Tony, she agreed.

The Avengers all entered the quaint flat. They were surprised at the sheer amounts of pink and lime green.

"Does the Widow actually have a girly side?" Tony made sure to flash Natasha a smirk.

"Not this much." Natasha kept her voice flat and rolled her eyes when Clint giggled. "Come on sweetie, let's let everyone else in."

Everyone except Clint looked confused. Said confusion only increased once Clint and Natasha left the room via a vent in the kitchen.

"That's just wierd."

"Remember Tony, you were the one that picked here to meet."

"Steve. How many times do I have to tell you to stop harshing my mellow?"

"Hey, guys!"

"Man of Iron. Where doth that voice come from? Why doth it sound like the Eye of the Hawk?"

"Thor, I'm yelling through the vent shaft. You all need to stand on the kitchen floor. Oh, and Nat says to stay away from the cereal boxes."

"You know Bruce, I'm glad we assigned Thor duty. It makes everything so much easier. THOR! Clint just told you not to go near the cereal boxes. DAMN! HOW MANY BULLETS DOES THAT WOMAN NEED?!"

Everyone was shocked to see that the cereal boxes, as Thor had just opened a box and poured some "cereal" into his hand, contained bullets. Lots of bullets. Needless to say, they all decided it was best to keep their hands to themselves. Fortunately, before Thor messed up something else, a portion of the living room floor opened up, with what appeared to be stairs leading to somewhere below. Cautious, all the Avengers nudged toward the opening. They were three feet away from the opening.

"BOO!" Clint popped his head out of the opening. He was expecting reactions. What he wasn't expecting were four girlish screams.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA! Come on ladies. The real flat is down here. Can't believe you guys screamed like girls because of that." Clint disappeared down the shaft.

Tony, Bruce, Thor, and Steve were breathing heavily, trying to calm down. After a few moments they each climbed down.

"Now this looks more your style. Red, comfy, weapons as decor."

"So glad to hear you approve of my decorating skills. Anyway Stark, didn't you have something to discuss?"

"Yes, right. Everyone take a seat." Everyone complied. "I think it goes without saying that we all remember the certain events of three months ago. Woah! Natasha, put the knife down. Wait, where did you get it from?"

"You really think that I wouldn't stock my residence with weapons?" Natasha raised an eyebrow. Tony took the hint and continued.

"Anyway, I have a plan. A plan to get some much needed payback. Over the past three months I have accumulated 12 catapults, 13 if you count the lovebirds'." Natasha pulled the knife out again. Tony miraculously got the hint again! "But that's beside the point. The point is, we can prank Fury _and_ SHIELD at the same time!"

The other Avengers all began to get evil grins on their faces. There was no way that they would be missing this opportunity.

"So tin can, what's the plan?"

"Interesting you should ask, birdbrain. We're going medieval on Fury. The plan, is to utilize those 13 catapults, yours getting placement of honor, to create a massive food fight at a picnic for the SHEILD agents which _I_ will be hosting in honor of the anniversary of our victory over Loki."

"That'll be fun until the SHIELD agents break out their guns."

"Relax Banner. That's where you and I come in. We will be making a compound which, when fired most likely by birdbrain over here, will temporarily prevent their guns from working."

"They'll still come running to beat us up."

"Steve, that's where I come in again. The compound will also bond with their clothing so that they will be unable to move from their seats...that is, without significant embarrassment." Tony flashed an evil grin.

"Tony, I do believe this is one of your best schemes ever."

"What?! A _compliment_ from the Widow? I can die happy!"

"Shall I send you on your way now?"

"Point taken, and no. Natasha, there is one last favor."

"What is it Stark?" She began to reach for her knife.

"To prevent SHIELD from unwittingly discovering our plans and the compound that Bruce and I will be working on, we're going to need to do this somewhere off of SHIELD's radar..."

"Very well, but if I find _any_ of my weapons out of place. I will get you."

"Understood. In two months, WE SHALL HAVE VENGEANCE! Oh, and did I mention that we're going to be painting ourselves Braveheart style and going down ourselves to personally throw food in their faces?"

"Huzzah! 'Tis a most excellent plan!"

"Well, at least Point Break digs it."

"I'm in." Steve looked evil for once.

One by one the Avengers confirmed their willingness to take part. The deed was done.

"It is settled. We meet here again in two months!"

**~One month later~**

Tony was sitting in front of Director Fury. He really didn't want to have to be there, but there was no other way that the plan would work.

"I'm telling you Fury**, **this idea is pure gold!"

"And until I see it visibly turn gold. I'm ignoring your stupid-ass idea."

"Fury, I haven't even told you my idea and you're already turning it down? I'm hurt."

"You have thirty seconds."

"Just thi-"

"Twenty-five."

"I want to throw a surprise picnic for the agents of SHIELD on the anniversary of Loki's defeat."

"Hmmm. Not bad Stark. For once, not bad at all."

"But, if you don't mind, I want it to be a surprise. A legitimate surprise, as in they don't even have time to change uniforms surprise. You call them together, then BOOM! We take them directly to the picnic grounds, which I am in the process of picking."

"Alright Stark. You've got it."

Tony mentally fist-pumped and did a happy dance. "Knew you'd love it."

"Hahaha. Get out. Now."

"Right-o daddy-o. Oh, and all this bleary dreary stuff? So not my style."

**~One month later~**

"Guys, it's time. Let's go over the battle plan. Clint take it away."

"Alright Tony. As soon as all of the SHIELD agents, including Fury who has been placed on the seat of honor, you announce the firework spectacular; I shoot the "fireworks"; SHIELD agents are left without working weapons, and are glued to their seats, leaving the only way to get up as taking off their jumpsuits and running around in underwear. Then, each of us will launch two catapults. Once we launch, we get on the horses and attack the agents with the water guns filled with syrup and the bags of feathers. For the grand finale, we food massacre Fury and give him the ride of his life." Clint said the last portion with a pure evil smirk on his face.

"Well, you heard birdbrain! I've gotten everything prepared. Let's do this!"

"Hello agents of SHIELD! Is everybody having an awesome time?!" Tony was answered with cheers. Even Fury appeared to be having a good time, but Tony could never be 100 percent sure. "Well, our resident archer and I have teamed up to give you all a spectacular daytime fireworks display. Not only will these look fantastic, because you all definitely expect boring from me, but you will feel water fall on you! That's right, I've created user friendly fireworks! Now enjoy! Clint, light 'em up!"

The agents were in awe of the firework display. While Clint was setting the plan into effect, the others readied their Braveheart face paint. Once Clint finished he got himself ready. All that was left was to wait until the agents figured out they couldn't move. They didn't have to wait long.

"STARK! WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE?!" The Director was not pleased.

"Gentlemen, and lady, that's our cue. UNLEASH THE DOGS OF WAR!"

Natasha, Tony, Thor, Steve, Clint, and Bruce all released their first catapults. The SHIELD agents looked up, wondering what the stuff in the sky was. Then, they figured out it was heading towards them. Soon they were covered in whipped cream, pudding, chocolate syrup, cake, caramel, and ice cream. They all struggled, but they couldn't get up.

"SEND WAVE TWO!" The agents were mercilessly covered in food by the second wave.

"MOUNT YOUR HORSES! GRAB YOUR GUNS! OBTAIN YOUR FEATHERS! ATTACK!"

The Avengers rode their horses into battle, covering the already soaking SHIELD agents in honey and tossing the feathers over them. Once all agents had been feathered, they made their way to Fury. Each had a pie or cake in hand. One by one, the Avengers walked up to Fury and smacked the pie or cake into his face.

"WHEN I GET OUTTA THIS I'M GOING TO KILL YOU MOTHER-!"

"No you won't. We're too valuable."

Fury regretted that Stark was actually right.

"And now! The best part." All of the Avengers looked at Fury with evil grins that would shame any villain. Fury was actually worried. "Clint, will you do the honors?"

"With pleasure." Clint moved some grass away from where Fury was sitting to reveal some rope. Clint pulled out a knife. Fury paled. This was not going to end well for him.

"Barton, just remember-"

"This is for the chicken dance. CACAW, MOTHERFUCKER!"

With that, Clint cut the rope, and Director Fury was launched into the air via catapult. Due to Tony's ingenious compound, Fury's pants stuck to the chair which had been bolted to the catapult.

"Stark, was he wearing boxers with..."

"Yes, Steve. Director Fury was indeed wearing My Little Pony boxers. Now, let's go get photo evidence."

They went to find Fury who had been launched into a pile of green jell-o, as per Banner's request. As soon as they were done capturing dirt on their director, they looked towards the picnic grounds. SHIELD agents were running everywhere in their underwear. Apparently lots of agents had a thing for My Little Pony. Of course there were some Captain America and Iron Man underwear, but that's beside the point.

"WE CAME! WE SAW! WE KICKED YOUR ASSES!" Tony made sure to accompany his yelling with the appropriate hand gestures.

As the Avengers surveyed their work, they decided it was time to go eat. Enacting evil plans often works up quite the appetite!

And thus went down in history, the day the Avengers went medieval.


	9. The Strip

**A/N: This chapter is dedicated to KITTY LOVES HAWKEYE who I told that I would incorporate a scenario in which the fellas get to utilize their skills they learned. This chapter is really short, but eh. Quality over quantity! Continued thanks to all those who follow and favorite, and special thanks (special thanks involves a cookie) to everyone who has or will *wink wink, nudge nudge* review. ENJOY! :D**

* * *

"Avengers, I don't know how to tell you this, but you four are going to have to go undercover as strippers."

Steve, Tony, and Bruce were horrified.

"Fury, you evil bastard! This is just you wanting to get back at us for catapulting you into jell-o!" Tony jumped for Fury, but Steve managed to hold him back.

"My friends, your strip mall is a glorious place with food a-plenty! Why are you all so mad?"

"Who's got duty for today?"

"Duty?"

"Well, Fury, duty refers to which one of us explains anything Thor asks. It's birdbrain, Bruce. Speaking of which, where are those two assassins at? It's not like them to miss a meeting."

"Agents Barton and Romanoff are not required for this mission."

"Things just went from bad to worse."

"Take it easy, Doctor Banner. This venue only wants you down to your underwear."

"Sure, that's just dandy." Bruce began to sulk.

"You better have a really damned good reason for making us do this."

Fury's one eye became as wide as a dinner plate. "Captain Rogers...What did you just say?"

"You heard me damn well, Director."

"I uh. Well, I just. I -"

"The Captain made Fury speechless! And I had JARVIS record it on video too! Oh happy day!" Stark began to pound his fists on the briefing table as he gasped for air in between his snorts of laughter.

"Speaking of happy days," Fury had regained his composure, "you four are going to make several women very happy tonight."

"Well that's a surprise. I always make several women very happy."

"Stark if you speak one more time before I debrief you, I am going to make you miserable. And don't you dare think that I can't!"

"Whatever you say sweet cheeks."

"SHUT THE HELL UP STARK! DON'T MAKE ME GO GET ANOTHER MUZZLE LIKE THE ONE WE USED ON LOKI!"

Stark shut up. He didn't want one of those muzzles. His face wasn't built for muzzles.

"Now, you four will be going to a strip club. We need you to distract all the ladies. Two of our female agents will be neutralizing an arms dealer that has a base of operations in the upper levels."

"Wait, so why are we needed?"

"Captain, this is a NUCLEAR arms dealer. We need assurance if something goes bad."

"Alright Fury, have it your way. But I am NOT shaving my beard again."

"Nor I!" Thor rubbed his beard in fear and comfort.

"Oh, that won't be necessary this time. You will be posing as an Avengers group. Think the Full Monty, gentlemen." With that, Fury left the room with a devilishly evil grin on his face.

"Is this the Python of which the Eye of the Hawk always speaks so highly?"

"Damnit, why does birdbrain have to be absent right now?! I have to take over his Thor duty! Bloody stupid archer." Tony was seething. "Thor, it's a movie about a few men who have to do a strip tease."

"But why is a strip a bad thing. Thou hast not explained that to me yet."

Tony looked physically strained. "Thor, a strip is when an individual removes their clothes."

"Then why is that so bad? I strip all the time? What does it matter?"

"Thor, we'll be stripping in front of women...lots of women."

"Oh..." That was all Thor could manage.

"Gentlemen. It was nice knowing you all." Banner left the room with his head held low.

"Well, I guess I better go pick our songs."

**~Later that Night~**

"Gentlemen, it's been an honor fighting with you all. May no one ever find out what happens tonight."

Steve's pep talk was met with two Cheers! and one Huzzah.

The music began. They had planned it where each had an intro song, but the stripping wouldn't begin until all four were present. They drew sticks to see who would have to go out first. Bruce picked the short stick.

Bruce entered to Motley Crüe's Doctor Feelgood and was followed by Thor who was accompanied by AC/DC's Thunderstruck. Tony followed, of course making a big production of himself, strutting to the stage with Black Sabbath's Iron Man. Bringing up the rear was Steve. He had asked Tony to let him pick his own song. Tony actually obliged, and was a bit shocked when Steve requested Sway by Michael Bublè. And boy, did Steve sway as he walked out.

Now it was time for the group show. Because Bruce drew the short stick and had to come out first, he received the honor of picking the group song, much to Tony's dismay. And so, in perfect synchronization, the four Avengers began to strip to Prince Charming by Adam Ant.

As they struck their final poses the audience of women went wild. Steve was in American flag boxers, Thor was displaying a fine set of poptart covered boxers. Tony had on a pair of golden briefs, and apparently Bruce forgot that people would be seeing his underwear. This is due to the fact that Bruce was currently wearing Spongebob Squarepants underwear. As the women went wild, they were all happy that this club had a strict no recording policy.

As the men sauntered off stage they made a pact to never speak of this again. It never was.

**~Epilogue/Flashback~**

Clint and Natasha walked into the Director's office after the four sulking Avengers left from their strip debriefing.

"Okay, Fury. What's your angle? Why aren't we, well, I guess it would've been me more than Nat, going along?"

"Agent Barton, I'm going to be very blunt. You two are the best SHIELD agents I've got. I can't risk pissing you two off. If I did, I'd have to send less competent people to do your jobs."

"I'm good with that explanation. How about you, sweetie?"

"Yep. I'm good. I just want to set up a camera in that strip club."

"Oh honey, how I love the way you think."

Fury's eye began to twitch. He couldn't mentally handle their flirting.

"That's not the only thing you love." Clint flashed Natasha an extremely suggestive smirk.

Fury had had enough. He fled the room, but not before yelling, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO?!"


	10. Statues

It was around midnight when Avengers tower was awoken by a terrifying, high-pitched scream. Everyone looked around to find its origins, but alas, the individual who did the screaming couldn't be found. The only odd thing out of place was the living room area. Someone had recently been watching television. The television was warm, and someone forgot to turn the dvd player off. There was nothing in the dvd player. Whoever was there left in a hurry, and they didn't want anyone else finding out what they were doing.

**~The Next Day~**

It was seven o'clock and Clint had just woken up. He was extremely grouchy. After all, he didn't like being disturbed from his beauty sleep by high-pitched screams. A little part of him always worries that it's Natasha, but most of him knows that if Natasha was in trouble, she wouldn't exactly be the one screaming. With his morning thoughts underway and a grumpy demeanor to match his grumpy face, Clint set out for the kitchen to get his 7:15 coffee. On his way, he was pretty sure that he noticed some of the artwork that decorated the tower was missing. He would investigate after his morning coffee.

Clint was pouring his coffee when two hands wrapped around his torso.

"Sleep well, honey?"

"I could've slept better. Whatever guy screamed last night did put a spoiler in my sleep pattern though."

"Wait, that was a guy that screamed last night?"

"Yes, Clint. That was most definitely a guy. It was high-pitched, not shrill."

"If you say so."

Natasha hugged Clint harder.

"I'm not retracting my last statement."

Natasha was not amused. She began to move to a tackling position, but Clint, who had finally had some of his coffee, was quicker. He spun her around to where he was "hugging" her from behind.

"I can't let you be the boss all the time, honey." He gave her a quick peck on the cheek before he released her.

By the time Natasha turned around, Clint was holding out her coffee mug with what Natasha could only describe as the cutest, most adorable face she had ever seen.

"I really hate it when I can't stay mad at you."

"I don't. Did you notice anything unusual about the decor this morning?"

"Give me a sec, I'm on my first cup of coffee." Natasha downed the coffee like it was water. "Yeah. I'm positive that there were some busts missing from the hallway."

Bruce entered the kitchen looking very displeased.

"Hey Bruce. What's wrong?"

"Well, Clint. Someone seems to have my stone figurine collection."

"You have a stone figurine collection?"

"Yeah, kids in India use to give them to me as their own way of saying thanks. And some were just souvenirs from when I could actually travel to places."

"That's weird. Nat and I have noticed that there were several busts missing from around the tower.

"MY FRIENDS! MY FRIENDS! I BRING THEE SORROWFUL NEWS! SOME RUFFIAN HATH STOLEN THE STATUES FROM THE GARDEN!"

"It's too early for God of Thunder voice." Bruce put a finger in each ear. "You two might want to do the same, he'll get louder as he gets closer to this room." Clint and Natasha set down their coffee mugs and complied.

Bruce was indeed correct. Even through their plugged ears they could hear the God of Thunder's bellowing increase until he found them in the kitchen.

"I have found you! You must accompany me at once! The garden statues have been stolen."

"We heard."

"Oh. From who did you hear this, Lady Natasha."

Natasha's eye began to twitch. "You."

"Ah. I see! So you all did hear my cry of alarm. 'Tis good news!"

Steve was next to enter the room. "When I find Tony, I'm going to kill him."

"Hang on, Steve. What happened?"

"Clint I woke up this morning to find that some of the pictures I had taken in New Orleans of the cemetery architecture had been stolen. What's more, some of my sketches of them had been stolen as well."

"You said that some of them had been stolen, so not all of them. Was there anything special about the ones that were stolen? Any common element?"

"Now that you mention it, they all had stone angels in them."

Bruce's head snapped to attention. "I know what this is about! I've already called Pepper and she's ordering new statues and busts to replace the ones that have 'disappeared.' Right now, we need to look for Tony."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because, Steve, I believe Tony may have been watching Doctor Who last night, and was frightened. We find Tony, and I'll know for sure."

The five of them spent three hours looking for Tony. They found him. He was standing on a roof overlooking some form of construction, but upon further inspection, a box was being buried.

"Whatcha doin', tin can?"

"Watching some construction men bury a box full of dangerous things."

"What dangerous things."

"Dangerous things that were all over Avengers Tower."

"Tony, what's wrong, you don't sound okay.

Tony slowly backed up, never letting the "construction" out of his sight. He had toothpicks holding open his eyes.

"Jeez, Tony! Why the hell do you have toothpicks holding your eyes open?!"

"Can't blink. Mustn't blink. Blink and I'm dead. Can't turn around. Can't turn away. Can't blink!"

"Yep, he's been watching Doctor Who. He was most definitely the person who screamed last night and woke us all up."

"You don't know what you're talking about, Bruce. You all would be equally as scared as I was if you watched it at midnight."

"I doubt it, tin can."

"Fine. Tonight we're having a Doctor Who Weeping Angels midnight marathon! But right now, I have to make sure this stuff gets buried."

The other Avengers left the eccentric billionaire alone, figuring that they had already lost too many brain cells over this.

**~Midnight~**

"Alright guys. First up is Blink!"

The Avengers were crowded around the living room. Natasha and Clint were taking up the couch, Thor was in a sleeping bag on the floor (Tony made him leave his hammer so there would be no smashing), and Tony, Bruce, and Steve were sitting in recliners.

When the episode was over everyone was pale. Their eyes were wide and unblinking.

"Okay, so all we have to do is stare directly at them. We'll be fine."

"Not exactly birdbrain. The Time of the Angels and Flesh and Stone nixes that theory."

This time, there were screams. As soon as it was over the Avengers just sat there. Not saying anything.

"Hey Bruce."

"Yeah Steve."

"I think we should tell Pepper to cancel the order for more statues."

"Agreed." The Avengers replied in unison.

"Dude, could you imagine if the Statue of Liberty was a Weeping Angel?"

"Clint, in the newest episode, The Angels Take Manhattan, it is."

"We're doomed."

* * *

**A/N: HAHA! I tricked you. Author's note at the bottom this time! This was done in honor of the Doctor Who episode that airs tonight in the US. If you don't watch Doctor Who, this chapter didn't really make a whole lot of sense. SO! This video will explain the terrors which are the Weeping Angels. watch?v=MGwFnj3pDz8 If you are interested in more, just youtube Weeping Angels. It will give you a lot of options. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, favorited, or followed. I love you all! **

**A/N2: If you want to see anything happen, remember, you can always leave your idea in a review or PM me. :D**


	11. Angels Take Avengers

**A/N: Back by popular demand! Seriously, I had no idea I'd get so much feedback by including Doctor Who aspects! So, the result was this chapter, which is dedicated to three people: GingerNinjaRules (who gave me a wonderful framework to start from), The Goddess of Books, and XxLetsLiveForeverxX (who is a friend of mine on DeviantArt). This was so freaking fun to write, and personally, I think this is the best chapter yet! (emphasis on the yet) Anyway, continued thanks to all those who review, favorite, or follow. I love you all. Oh, and happy dance because you guys broke the 50 review mark!**

* * *

"Now that is interesting." Loki stood outside the Avengers Tower. Because of Thor's visit to Asgard on his behalf, Odin decided to revoke Loki's probation at McDonald's and reinstate his powers, but only to the level where he can severely inconvenience people, not harm them. "This one known as Pepper shall indeed order the statues, and I shall prank those Avengers! Hehehehehehehehehe-ack. Stupid flies."

Clint and Natasha were the first to leave the room. They had decided that neither would be sleeping alone tonight. Not after watching that. The others left one by one, none really feeling truly safe.

No one had a good night's sleep. Although, Natasha and Clint took turns watching so the other could sleep. Bruce slept but he did not sleep comfortably, Tony doesn't really sleep anyway, and Thor and Steve had the worst. They slept, but they kept waking up in cold sweats. It was most definitely to all not a good night.

While the Avengers attempted to sleep, Loki made busy with the statues that were ordered by Pepper. Firstly, he changed their shape. The statues now looked like Weeping Angels. Next Loki positioned them around the Tower, and a few in the Tower. He knew that this was going to be fun.

"Nat, wake up. It's seven."

"owmwoboaem owem oadoiaewmgo"

"Didn't quite catch that, honey."

Natasha rolled over. "I said I don't want to get out of bed."

"Well, neither do I, but we do have to see if the others survived the night."

"Fine, but you better make me some damned good coffee."

"Anything for you sweetheart." Clint kissed her on the forehead.

As Clint was walking over to grab some pants to put over his boxers, he stopped. Clint walked backwards three steps and looked outside the window.

"Nat. We have a serious problem."

Nat looked extremely worried. "What is it Clint?"

"You need to see for yourself. You won't believe me if I just tell you."

Natasha edged toward Clint to see what he was looking at.

"HOLY SHIT!"

"I told you, Nat."

"Clint, let's move. Now."

"Weapons first. We need to be prepared."

They alternated weapons gathering. One of them was always looking at the statues. Just not at their eyes.

"Alright Clint. Now let's get the others."

Clint and Natasha edged their way out of Clint's room. They were going to get Steve first.

"Ladies first." Clint gestured with both arms towards Steve's door.

Natasha kicked in Steve's door, ducking just as a Shield came at her head. Clint was not so lucky as he was standing guard with his back to where the door had been.

"Steve! Damn it! That hurt like hell!"

"Why did you break down my door? I've been on edge all night because of that Doctor Who stuff."

"Yeah, Steve, about that. Don't panic, but you really need to look out your window."

Steve turned around.

"DEAR SWEET BABY JESUS! HOW THE HELL IS THAT REAL? I THOUGHT THAT WAS JUST A SHOW!"

"Trust us. We did too. But right now we need to get the others together."

Bruce took this time to come into Steve's room.

"Guys, we have a problem."

"We know. The only think we can do is hunker down and hope that if the Angels are real, then so is the Doctor. Nat and I will go get Tony. You and Steve can go get Thor. We'll meet in the living room. It should still have the stocked pantry."

The two subgroups separated. Thor took little convincing to leave. Especially when he saw the statues. Tony, on the other hand refused to look. Nat and Clint had to drag him to his window to prove that the angels were indeed there. Everyone was in the living room within fifteen minutes.

"So now what, birdbrain."

"We need to barricade the doors, and we need mirrors. On the plus side, we don't have to worry about them turning out lights because Tony is a living human flashlight."

"Gee. Thanks."

Fortunately, Tony was the quintessential prima donna, and he had a mirror for each of them. They decided that it would be best to set up defensive positions in case anything did happen. Clint and Natasha were the first line of defense due to the fact that they were the only two people thinking clearly at the moment. Steve and Tony were second line, and Thor and Bruce were the last wave closest to the wall.

Loki was in one of the lower levels of the Avengers Tower, more specifically speaking, he was on the level directly below where the Avengers had barricade themselves in. There was an angel right in front of him.

"Time to make things a little more interesting. Hehehehehe." With that he waved his hands around the angel statue. "Alright you. You have to go and touch everyone in the room directly above us. When you are done you shall be returned to your regular stone form. Understood."

Loki turned around. Then the world started spinning. Why did he feel like he just landed on his face? Why does the ground look like red velvet? Why was he surrounded by people with flashing things? "Oh, you've got to be kidding me."

A random crowd member drew attention to Loki who had now stood up.

"Hey! Look! It's Tom Hiddleston! He came to the awards dressed as Loki! Tom, over here."

"No, Tom, over here!"

"Tom" "Tom" "Tom" "Tom"

"ENOUGH!"

All of the reporters shut up.

"Who is this man you call me. I am not Tom. I am a King! I am Loki!"

"Oh, that's wonderful, he's even in character!"

"Wait, that can't be Tom Hiddleston! Tom Hiddleston is right there!"

The crowd looked over to where the other "Tom Hiddleston" was. No one could tell the difference. The two men looked exactly the same.

"Tom" decided to make the first move.

"I see. What an excellent costume sir. You look exactly like me. Hehehe."

"Costume? I am in some of the greatest armor in all of the Nine Realms! As for our mutual appearance, I cannot deny that portion of your statement. Now, where is Stark Tower? I must return to finish what I started."

"Hehehehe. You really do have it all down, don't you!"

"You mortal! I had an army."

"Well, I have two armies! Loki's army and the Hiddlestoners."

"Very well then. I shall consider you to be a possible ally should I require serv-"

Everything was spinning again. Loki felt like he was going to throw up. He hadn't felt this upset since he had to deal with the soldier's driving. That twenty minute ride still gave him nightmares. His face hurt again. He was back where he had been, only thirty minutes had passed.

"Well, that charm worked better than expected. Ehehehehehehehe."

* * *

Back in the living room the Avengers were poised for attack, waiting for those angels to go for the door. It wasn't five minutes into their watch that Bruce gave them some very unwelcome news.

"Guys."

"Bruce, Shh! I need to listen for any movement."

"But this is extremely important!"

"I don't care how important you think it is, it'll have to wa-"

"DAMMIT, CLINT! LOOK OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW! "

"Oh shit."

"I TOLD YOU. I TOLD YOU BUT YOU WOULDN'T LISTEN!"

"Okay, okay. I'll watch it, you guys work on clearing the door. Nat, toss me a mirror, no chances."

The others quickly tore down their barricade.

"Clint, come on, we're out."

"Don't need to tell me twice, tin can! Wait, where are we running?"

"I don't know, wherever whoever is in front runs to?"

"Tony, who's in front?"

"Oh shit."

"What? Who is it?"

"Thor!"

"Oh fuck, we're doomed."

**~Clint~**

Clint was vaguely aware that people were standing around him. His face hurt. He wondered if he had another cognitive recalibration. Then someone started poking him. It was a kid. Then his, father, if Clint perceived correctly, took him away from "the strange man." Clint slowly began to get up.

"Hey man, you okay?"

Clint had a momentary freeze. Why was he looking at himself. He was still him, wasn't he?

"I'm fine. Sorry. Don't exactly know what just happened."

"All good. Although, for a second I was shocked. Wasn't expecting to see someone who looked just like me today." The other man gave him a small smile. "The name's Jeremy. How are you?" He offered Clint his left hand.

Clint was shocked. This other guy that looked exactly like him was a lefty, just like him. There was something about this guy. Clint automatically trusted him, which for him was extremely wierd. Eh, why not?

"Nice to meet you. I'm John." Okay, Clint didn't trust him enough to give him his actual name.

"Hey, this might be awkward, but I'm about to walk into a press conference for a movie. These are the stupid, snooty reporters, not the nice ones. Do you mind helping me play a joke on them?"

Clint was ecstatic. He really did like this guy, Jeremy. "Jeremy, it would be my genuine pleasure." His face twisted to one of devious joy, which was mirrored by the man standing directly beside him. Clint hated reporters. With a passion.

"Do you have a plan?"

"Nope. I just thought it'd be funny to screw with them. Which one's the real Renner?"

"I do like the way you think. Lead the way."

The two devilishly grinning men walked into the press room. There were several audible gasps. There wasn't a single reporter who looked in control of the situation. As soon as Clint and Jeremy sat down, they waited in silence for five minutes while the reporters looked at their questions, then at the two identical men, and then back at their questions.

One particularly bitchy looking woman was about to ask a question when the room started spinning. Clint was disappointed. He had really wanted to mess up the reporters.

**~Tony~**

"I would land on my face. My beautiful, billion dollar face."

"Oh my gosh! Look, everyone! It's RDJ!"

"Oh, great, fangirls that have confused me with someone else."

"There was a tap on his shoulder."

"Man, I don't know who you are, all I know is you look exactly like me, and if we don't start running now, we're going to be attacked by crazy fangirls."

"And the problem in that scenario is?"

The other man looked impressed. "You. Are one cool guy."

"Not so bad yourself."

"Why thank you."

"Why do I have a feeling that this is like a personal dream come true?"

"The fact that we're standing here talking to each other on a level displaying the fact that we both share personality traits beyond the physical?"

"Yes, I do believe that would be it."

"Shall we then?"

"We shall."

The two men began walking down the street, correction, strutting down the street.

"Oh great a reporter."

"You hate them too?"

"Only the annoying ones."

"So 100% of them, then."

"Bingo."

The reporter approached. "So, Mr. Downey Jr. I see that you've found a look alike."

"Astute observation. What gave it away? The goatee or the face in general."

"You found a rude one."

"Nope, I found a funny one."

"And for the record, I'm not rude, I just don't like stupid people."

"Seriously man, can you just hang around me all the time?"

"Anyway, Mr. Down-"

"Sorry, the RDJ is currently taken by the S-T-A-R-K."

"S-T-A-R-K? Do you mean Stark?"

"Congratulations you can spell!"

"Mr. Downey Jr., how can you possibly be alright with this treatment?"

"Because it's funny."

"Terribly funny."

"Oh, look! Booze!"

Tony was being handed some scotch when the room started spinning.

"Aw, come on! I liked that guy! Ow! My beautiful face!

**~Back to the Others~**

Thor had taken them to the last place any of them wanted to be. The garden. That's when the guys broke down. Thor, Bruce, and Steve all turned into one huddled, sobbing mass on the ground.

"What happened to Clint and Stark? They've been missing for over twenty minutes."

"I...I...I d-d-d-d-don't know! Someone hold me!"

"I will comfort thee Captain! I fear for my life."

"Please, oh please don't let them get me, could you imagine what the other guy would do if he was sent back in time?"

"Come on Bruce, if we're going to die, we're going to die together."

Natasha stood there watching this. And quite frankly, she had had enough.

"You three, SHUT THE HELL UP! I am sick and tired of this baby crap. Doctor Who is a tv show. There is no possible way that they are real. If you haven't noticed, the only two missing are Clint and Stark. THE PRANKSTERS! Now are you three gonna man up or do I need to take care of this myself?"

"B-b-b-but N-nat-t-t-tasha, we're in a garden. Th-th-they could b-b-b-b-be anywhere."

"Worthless wusses. This is a woman's job. Oh, look there's that angel now. Time to get some punching practice in.

**~Natasha~**

Natasha felt the room spinning. The fact that they got her was embarrassing. Fortunately, she had the uncanny ability to land on her feet.

"Hey, Scarlett. Just to let you know, there are no hard feelings about us breaking up."

Natasha noticed a fairly attractive man standing over her. She wouldn't have minded his comment if he wasn't holding some other woman next to him.

"I'm not Scarlett."

"Of course you are, who else could you possibly be?"

Natasha had no idea what was going on. Obviously she hadn't been sent back in time, that only leaves other part of the world or alternate universe. She was leaning toward the latter.

"Why would I have hard feelings?"

"Well you seemed pretty upset when I told you I was breaking off our marriage, but that just might have been you. I believe it was your time of the month."

Natasha could handle idiots, she lived near Tony Stark. What she couldn't handle were jerks, which for some reason Tony Stark didn't qualify. Time to put in some fighting practice. Whoever this Scarlett was, definitely owed her for this.

"Yeah, it might have upset me a little bit, but you know, I found a great outlet."

"And whatever could that be."

"Martial arts."

The man didn't register any threat. If Natasha had said this to any other man, said man would have fled or cowered in fear. Now Natasha really was going to enjoy this.

In an instant her foot made contact with his groin. The man doubled over in severe pain. Next came high pitched crying.

"Grow a pair you insensitive asshole."

The room began to spin.

**~The Others~**

Thor, Steve, and Bruce were still huddled in a blubbering mass as Natasha disappeared. They soon heard explosions from all sides. They were getting closer to where they were huddled.

Fearing for their lives, for some reason now more afraid of the explosions than the angels, decided to move back inside. Then Steve screamed.

"Good Captain Rogers, what has upset thee."

"LOOK UP!"

Three more screams issued from the heroes. Standing above them was the "weeping angel."

"I don't want to die! I'm too young to die!"

"Steve, I hate to point out the gap in your logic here, but the only one here who is technically young by comparison is me. You and Thor are the oldest on the team. Now, let's see if we can move."

"WHERE. IS. NATASHA?!"

The three others instantly forgot that there was an angel above them and looked to Clint who had miraculously appeared. He had his bow and quiver with him, and he looked absolutely pissed.

"I said, WHERE. IS. NATASHA!?"

"Dear Eye of the Hawk, I am most sorry to say this, but she has been touched."

Clint's eyes were slits. His face was ice.

"You three, move out of the way. This is the last one. Tony and I have been blowing up these damn statues for the past ten minutes."

They moved out of the archer's way.

"You know, I know you aren't a weeping angel. You see, you sent me to another place, not another time. I could have lived with that, it was, after all, for only thirty minutes. But what I will NOT stand for is harming Natasha. Cacaw motherfucker."

With that Clint knocked an arrow and sent it in the direction of the angel. Beeping was heard as the arrow flew through the air. When it made impact a huge explosion was heard. He went to check the remains. The angel was indeed now a pile of rubble.

Tony had now joined the others. They simply stared at Clint.

"No one messes with my girlfriend."

At that moment, Natasha fell from the sky, landing on her feet.

"Hello boys. See the three babies finally manned up."

No response came from any of the three.

"How is it that you landed on your feet and we landed on our faces." Tony pouted.

"Well, Stark, I'm just that good."

"Yes you are honey. Yes. You. Are." Clint walked over to Natasha and gave her a side hug and kiss on the forehead."

"Somebody missed me."

"Sure did. Now, I do believe we have a very important question to answer."

"And what's that birdbrain?"

"Who the hell caused the statues to do that?"

"Loki."

"What makes you think my brother did this, Lady Natasha?"

"When I came to, there was an article about a Tom Hiddleston look alike appearing at an awards show. That man looked exactly like Loki."

"I knew I should've put an arrow through his eye-socket."

"No, Clint. I think we need to get revenge."

"You still have that video footage of him working at McDonald's?"

"Sure do." Clint's face was marked by a spectacularly evil grin.

"I think we have some uploading on youtube to do. Stark, would you care to join us?"

"I'd love to."

And so it was that video footage of Loki working at a McDonald's found its way onto youtube, and into the inbox of every single SHIELD agent. Needless to say, it went viral. Loki was forever shamed.


	12. Ransomed

**A/N: Firstly, I want to say thank you to Bookdancer for writing so many reviews. You are AWESOME! Secondly, I am sooooooooo very sorry for not updating sooner. I have been swamped with schoolwork and college applications. Not to mention the Christmas season is extremely busy for musicians/performers. Hopefully you all won't have to go this long without an update again! :D**

**This chapter is dedicated to bobthepegasus who came up with the basic idea. What it is, I'm not gonna say. You mean you were expecting spoilers from me? Hahahaha! Not gonna happen.**

* * *

It was a normal day in the Avengers Tower, well, as normal as normal could be for them. Natasha spent the day at the shooting range, Clint slinked through the vents, Tony almost blew up the lab again, Steve went for a walk in the park, Thor watched the magic cooker, or as the others had told him, the oven, and Bruce...he was just plain bored. But what was he to do? If he went into the lab to have some fun, Tony would inevitably crash (most likely literally) the party and proceed to attempt to get him to Hulk out so he has an excuse to show off the new model of his Iron Man suit.

Bruce was sitting on his bed when he finally had an idea.

"Oh this is just too good to pass up!" Bruce squealed with glee. Then he proceeded to set his plan into motion.

**~The Next Day~**

Clint and Natasha were in the kitchen having their early morning coffee when they were interrupted by Thor's bellowing.

"Nat, I have a riddle for you."

"Gee, Clint. I'm not in the mood."

"I'm gonna tell it anyway, but before I do, why don't you want to hear my riddle?" Clint gave her the puppydog eyes.

"It probably has something to do with the fact that...IT IS TOO FUCKING EARLY FOR THE THOR VOICE!" Natasha's face was as red as her hair.

"Okay, honey. Here's my riddle. How many floors does it take to not hear the Thor voice?"

"Not as many as it's going to take you to hide from me kicking your ass!"

"Looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morn-"

"THAT'S IT! YOU'RE GOING DOWN BARTON!" Natasha lunged at Clint who was not expecting a very angry Russian jumping at him in the morning.

Natasha had him pinned and they were about to start the fighting when Thor came in.

"MY FRIENDS! I BRING FORTH TERRIBLE NE-oh...I see I have caught thee in your more...amorous activities. I shall return later." Thor left. Very shaken.

Clint and Natasha stopped and looked at each other.

"Did he really think we were?" Natasha was puzzled.

"Why on earth would he think something like that?

"Maybe it has something to do with the fact that you two are always choking each other with kissing every time you two get the chance." The smirking visage of Tony Stark was displayed on the kitchen screen. It was quickly shattered by a bullet from Natasha's gun.

It was at this moment that Steve entered the kitchen. He looked like a deer in headlights.

"Problem?" Natasha glared at Steve.

"N-n-n-n-no Ma'am!" Steve stumbled awkwardly as he attempted to flee the sharp gaze of the angry assassin.

Natasha turned back around to face Clint.

"Nice plan, sweetie. Wasn't expecting that to get rid of the Thor voice issue so quickly."

"I find your lack of faith disturbing." Clint flashed her a cheeky grin.

"I'm going to have to try to keep you away from all the Star Wars again."

"Do or do not. There is no try."

"You're banned."

"Awww." Clint pouted.

"Well, you should have thought of that before you got sassy." The two assassins got up from the floor and resumed their positions in their seats. They timed it to see how long it would take before any of the "dunderheads" would dare venture to return to the kitchen. Their peace lasted all of fifteen minutes.

"MY FRIENDS, ARE THY DECENT?" Thor really shouldn't have bothered asking the question seeing as he walked into the kitchen as he was saying it.

"Well, Nat, here we go again." Neither assassin was pleased. "So, Thor, what's up?"

"Eye of the Hawk, there is no time for your excellent riddles this morning. I bring forth terrible news."

Clint and Natasha tried to keep straight faces. Usually Thor's urgent business was little more than a trifle.

"Doctor Banner is missing."

Clint and Natasha were slightly worried, but Banner had the habit of staying away for days only to come back sipping tea, reading a book in the living room.

"Did you check Tony's lab?"

Thor hung his head in what appeared to be shame. "Yes, but the Man of Iron made me leave."

"Maybe it's because you almost ate a beaker full of exploding gel!"All eyes turned to Tony as he entered the kitchen.

"What were you even doing with explosive gel? Isn't that a bit low-tech for you Stark?"

"Shut it birdbrain. I have my reasons. Oh, and you owe me a tv little missy. Ahhhhhhhhh! Jeez watch where you throw your knives." Tony was flustered, but he soon regained his composure. "Anyway, Banner was NOT in the lab. It's a pity too. I really wanted him to see my new suit of armor. But we need to find him."

"Why? He goes off on his own sometimes. Just like any of us."

"Well, Capcicle, nice of you to finally join this little powwow. This time it's different. Bruce usually lets me know where he's going so I can keep SHIELD off his back. This time, nothing. He just disappeared. So, we need to find him. Last thing I need is having to go to another SHIELD meeting for losing Banner."

"Okay, then. Looks like we need to split up. I'll take the lower levels, Natasha, you take the middle levels, Thor, you take the top floors, and Tony, you go look in all the science wings. Clint...um, well..."

"All good Cap, I'll take the air vents." Clint climbed onto the kitchen table and ascended into the air vents.

"I swear, birdbrain and his air vents. I have no idea how you put up with that."

"It's simple, Stark. I let him have fun with the air vents; he agreed to stop asking to do my make-up for missions. He was make-up crazy."

"I heard that! And you know my make-up skills were amazing. You made yourself pretty, I made you gorgeous." Clint's voice echoed from the air vents.

"Clint, don't you have vents to be checking?"

"Fine, last time I give you make-up advice."

"So Natasha can't do her own make-up. Now that's-"

"One more word, Stark, and I kick you in the nuts."

"Okay, guys let's split up and look for Bruce." Steve was always a good diplomat.

Each Avenger searched their territory. After 20 minutes, Thor found a note in Bruce's room.

"Well, what does it say Point Break?"

"If you want to see Dr. Banner again, you must send $209,876 to account #221 Baker's Bank. MY FRIENDS WE MUST RESCUE THE DOCTOR!"

"Hold up, hold up. Guys. Trust me. I've got a plan."

"Tincan...none of us are truly assured by that statement."

"Considering I'm the one with the money we would have to use to do this, I think that gives me the right to say: SHUT IT, BIRDBRAIN!"

"Someone woke up on the wrong side of the ironing board this morning..."

"YOU KNOW WHY? IT'S BECAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN ASLEEP SINCE YESTERDAY MORNING!"

"Okay, guys calm down. Tony, you said you had a plan?"

"Yeah, yeah. Don't get your knickers in a twist Capcicle. Okay, so instead of transferring funds into the account, I'll send a prepaid Stark Industries credit card to the bank for that account number. Say it's for something stupid like a good citizen gift or something. They release Banner, and when they use the card, I'll get a full report of expenditures within 48 hours. We track them, and we beat the shit out of them. So, what do you think of my master plan?"

"Actually, not that bad."

"Yeah, tincan. For once, not bad. What do you think, Nat?"

"Job well done Stark."

"MAN OF IRON, TIS A MOST EXCELLENT PLAN!"

All the other Avengers rubbed their ears in pain due to Thor's lack of use of the inside voice.

"Yeah, Steve, why did we even give him a communicator? We could hear him without one."

"I don't know Tony, maybe it's because if we didn't, he would have pouted for the rest of the day. Now, let's get your plan into action!"

As planned, Tony prepared the credit card and sent it to the bank. In five minutes, they got a call from Bruce. He informed them that his captors kept him sedated to prevent any Hulk outs, and that he's been released. They were keeping him hostage in a rundown building in New York City. As soon as he returned to the tower, all was well. But then Bruce came home with some...unusual items.

"Bruce, I'm no expert on art, but...that looks like shit."

"I have to agree with Clint on this one, and I'm an artist. Bruce, that looks awful."

"Well, I like it, THOR! PUT DOWN MR. GOOGLE!"

Clint, Steve, and Natasha, who managed to come into the room at the weirdest moment possible, looked at each other in confusion.

"Mr. Google?"

"MY FRIENDS. THIS MR. GOOGLE IS A FORK WITH EYES ON IT!" Thor was beaming. He really liked the fork with the googley-eyes.

"Hey, guys," Tony was on the tv in the living room where the other Avengers had gathered, "the guys that ransomed Bruce were real weirdos. Apparently, these guys used the card to buy, get this, a $100,000 painting that looks like a five year old painted it, a $34,876 fork with googley-eyes on it, and, the icing on this proverbial cake of insanity, a $75000 fairy tree house. Hang on. Thor, where did you get that fork?"

"I got Mr. Google from the Doctor, Man of Iron."

Tony's electronic gaze shifted to a smirking Bruce. The others began to look at Bruce in utter confusion. "YOU SPENT MY MONEY BUYING STUPID, WORTHLESS, AND EXPENSIVE SHIT?! WHEN I GET DOWN THERE, I AM GOING TO BEAT YOUR ASS INTO THE GROUND!"

"Bruce...did you really?"

"Yes, Steve. Yes I did."

"But...why?"

"Because messing with Tony and his money is way too fucking funny."


	13. On the Origins of Thor Duty

**A/N: Thanks so much to all the people who have read, favorited, and/or reviewed this story so far; you guys are always so amazing. This chapter is dedicated to the awesome reviewer, Bookdancer, so I hope you enjoy it! Secondly, I have an announcement to make, and this is extremely important! **

**I am starting a Reference Scavenger hunt. I will give you a list of references to look for in all of my stories (Just Doing My Part to Keep Everyone On Their Toes references will be including this chapter), the first person to review stating what the references are will get receive the ability to ask me to write anything the desire (or have a chapter dedicated to them, whichever they prefer). Note: there will be two winners: one from deviantart (where I also publish my stories), and one from Fanfiction. Oh, I almost forgot! You lot need to know what you're looking for don't you?!**

**In Steve Did What?, there is one Doctor Who reference (It's hard, but I'm sure you guys can find it).**

**In Silly Cupid, there is a Sherlock Holmes reference (to the new movies with RDJ).**

**In Just Doing My Part To Keep Everyone On Their Toes, there are 10 references: 1 POTC, 1 Emperor's New Groove, 1 Big Bang Theory (It's used in a few different chapters.), 1 LOTR (This one's another toughie), 1 Julius Caesar (the actual historical figure), 1 Julius Caesar (the Shakespeare play), 2 Star Wars quotes (they count as one reference), 1 Sherlock Holmes, 1 Saving Private Ryan, and 1 Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.**

**Good luck and happy hunting! Oh, and if you want me to check what you come up with, I will totally do that for you guys. :D Sorry for the long note!**

* * *

"Alright Avengers. You have created something that quite frankly disturbs me. I don't like being disturbed. And do you know what I do with things that disturb me?"

"Steal it's soul and harness its darkness into your horrible wardrobe choices?"

"Stark, do you see me laughing? That's right, no you don't. But back to my point. I destroy things that disturb me. So, unless you all can explain it to me, I will destroy it. Now, what the hell is Thor duty and how the hell did it get created in the first place?"

"Sir, do you remember all those natural disasters that happened around Avengers Tower a couple months ago?"

"How could I forget, Agent Barton. Now, you mean to tell me that Thor was responsible for causing all of that shit?!"

"Not exactly sir."

"What do you mean, not exactly? He either did or he didn't!"

"As Clint was telling you, sir. It wasn't exactly Thor that caused the natural disasters."

"Really Ms. Romanoff? Who do you expect me to think did it? Rogers?!"

All the Avengers sat quietly; no one moved. Steve was as red as Natasha's hair, and he began to fidget in his seat.

"Rogers? You mean to tell me that the man who can't work a calculator caused all that shit?! Damn am I getting too old for this." The Director sat down. "Well don't just stare at me like that, tell me what the hell happened!"

**~5 Months ago~**

Thor was feeling very hungry so he made his way to his " holy, secret poptart stash" which was neither holy or secret, but it sure as hell was a stash. As he was taking them out of their shiny wrappers, he noticed there was a recipe tip on the box: "For an excellent treat, try putting your poptart in the microwave for 30 seconds."

"Why yes, box of ambrosia. I will take thy most excellent advice!"

Thor made his way to the kitchen and located what he knew to be the microwave. He put the poptarts in the microwave and closed the door. Then he waited. Fifteen minutes later, he was still waiting. Unfortunately for Clint, it was at that moment when he chose to enter the kitchen.

"Eye of the Hawk! I require some assistance."

Clint grimaced. He recalled the last time Thor "required some assistance." He ended up with a broken nose and one hell of a headache. "Sure Thor, what do you need?" Clint barely managed to reply through his gritted teeth.

"I am most puzzled. The poptart box says to heat the poptart for thirty seconds. I placed them in the microwave and closed the door. I've been waiting here for fifteen minutes. What did I do wrong?"

Clint was shocked. This was actually something relatively simple to solve. "Oh, that's no problem. You just forgot to turn the microwave on. Just press that button for thirty seconds and the microwave will do the rest."

"Oh, that tis simple my friend! Thank thee for your assistance!"

"No problem big fella." Clint exited the kitchen as fast as he could. He didn't want to be the one around when Thor had another question.

No sooner had Clint left the kitchen, than a huge BOOM echoed throughout the floor. Clint ran to the kitchen and saw Thor covered in black food particles. More importantly, he saw the microwave, well...more lack of it.

"My friend, the shiny paper on this delicacy is most intriguing. I did not know it made lightning!"

Clint wanted to die. He really just wanted to not exist at this moment. It wasn't long before the other Avengers were in the kitchen.

"WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BEAUTIFUL MICROWAVE?! I BUILT IT FROM SCRATCH JUST FOR THIS TOWER!"

"Thor left the tin foil on the poptarts..."

"AND YOU LET HIM DO IT, BIRDBRAIN?!"

"In my defense, I thought he had taken them out of the wrapper."

Tony was breathing in and out of a paper bag. Natasha made a bet with Bruce that he would go into the fetal position within five minutes.

"Thor."

"My dearest Man of Iron, I can assure you that I meant no intentional harm to your microwave."

"I know big guy. I just want to let you know about the new rule I'm implementing starting now. You are not allowed to touch the microwave without at least one of us in this room with you."

"Okay, my friend. Thank thee for being so understanding." Thor proceeded to give Tony what could only be described as a crushing hug.

"Oooookay big guy. Ugh. Can't breathe. Thor...Thor...THOR!"

"Sorry, sometimes I forget my own strength."

"My back."

"Want me to fix that for you, Stark?" Natasha flashed Tony a purely evil grin.

"No. Nope. I think I'm good now." Tony made the effort to straighten up as he hobbled out of the kitchen, presumably to the med floor.

The rest of the Avengers slowly left the kitchen, all silently praying that they would not have to be the one that Thor would come to for help.

**~The Next Day~**

After the new microwave had been installed, Thor was very eager to try the delicacy as described by the poptart box. So, Thor set out in search of a fellow Avenger. Clint and Natasha were nowhere to be found (in actuality, they had taken to hiding in the air vents due to their foresight that Thor would inevitably want to try the heated up poptarts as soon as the new microwave went in), Tony was out on a mission, and Dr. Banner had been called into a SHIELD meeting. That left Steve. As Thor walked to Steve's room he was overjoyed. A reaction, that was definitely not shared by the supersoldier as he heard the thunderous knock on his door.

"Good Captain Rogers! I do require your assistance as per the Man of Iron's new rule regarding the microwave."

Steve's heart sank. He knew he was doomed. "Thor, I'm a little busy right now, maybe one of the others can help you." There, he tried. As Stark said, "if you're not lying, you're not trying." Steve was just now beginning to see the truth in that statement.

"Oh," Thor looked devastated, "I was unable to find any of the others, it seems that they are not around. Thank you Captain. I wish you luck with your endeavors."

Thor looked so depressed, and Steve felt so horrible. "Well, I need to take a break anyway. My work can wait." Thor was beaming. Steve never recalled seeing the Asgardian god smile so much.

"HUZZAH! To the kitchen!"

Upon their arrival, Steve fixed four poptarts and left them for Thor. Then he took his leave, letting Thor know that he was going back to finish his "work."

As soon as Steve sat down on the bed, Thor appeared again.

"Good Captain! Would thou mind fixing another batch of that glorious delicacy?"

"Sure Thor..." Steve was not pleased. He had no idea how he could have eaten all four that quickly. Steve fixed them anyway. After all, how many more times could Thor possibly want poptarts?

Unfortunately for Steve, Thor wanted more poptarts, 41 more times over the course of two days. Steve was exhausted and sick of having to go make Thor's poptarts. He swore, that if Thor came up to his room wanting him to fix poptarts one more time, he was going to lose it.

Thor came to ask for poptarts a 42nd time. Steve could handle it no longer.

"I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE. IF YOU WANT SOMEONE TO MAKE YOUR STUPID FUCKING POPTARTS, GO FUCKING ASK SOMEONE ELSE!"

Steve was livid. His nostrils flared from his heavy breathing, and he was as red as a tomato. Thor stood there in shock. Natasha and Clint were watching from an air duct. Both of their mouths were open; neither could believe that their untainted little Captain had not only dropped the f-bomb, but had dropped it 3 times in succession. After a few seconds, all hell broke loose. It was like Armageddon within the Avengers Tower. For three whole minutes, the Tower was subjected to torrential rain, what Steve thought appeared to be a tornado, and an earthquake.

Natasha and Clint had fallen out of the air vent during the natural disasters.

"Um, Steve...that was not Thor causing that since he didn't have his hammer...so I would highly recommend that you never ever say the f-word again."

"Sure Clint," Steve gasped between words, "no problem."

**~Present Day~**

Fury stared at the Avengers, dumbfounded.

"You mean to tell me that all of that crazy-ass shit that went down a couple months ago was because you dropped the f-bomb?"

"Sir, I said it three times, the natural disasters lasted for three minutes. I am never saying that word again."

"It's about fucking time, Capcicle. You just don't fit the whole cussing thing."

"Ah, yes, Mr. Stark, you have still failed to tell me what Thor duty is or how it came around."

"Well, baldie, after the little cussing incident we decided that to keep that kind of crazy burden of keeping Thor out of trouble, we needed a calendar dividing who has to babysit Thor every day. Whenever he has a question and asks one of us, we check the calendar and tell him to go to whoever is responsible for that day."

"I see. And how many incidents have happened since then?"

"None."

Fury did a spit take. "WHAT?!"

"You heard me. We haven't had a single Thor related incident since we introduced the system."

"Oh...I see...well, keep on doing what you're doing. And, you wouldn't happen to have something like that which could be applicable to a very accident prone intern would you?"

"Nope. Only works on gods. Peace out, ladies. I've got a date with Pepper."

After Stark left, the rest of the Avengers followed suit. Fury sat down in his chair, still confused at the notion that Steve Rogers actually said the f-word.


End file.
